Midland vs. Midland

I can’t remember the last time we went to see a movie together, Stan.

Neither can I.

This one is supposed to be so good.

I’m excited, Judy.

Hey, look, they just opened a new window. Let’s go!

Stan and Judy run to the open window.

Hello, we’d like two tickets to see Midland.

Which one?

What do you mean “which one”?

There are two movies named Midland.

What? Judy turns to look at Stan.

Stan shrugs and says to the teenager in the ticket window The Christian one, the one about Christianity.

The ticket teenager sighs. Those are two different movies.

They are? Judy looks exasperated.

Yup.

Stan asks, What’s the difference between the two movies?

One’s a Christian movie about atheism and the other’s an atheist movie about Christianity.

Stan shakes his head. They’re both named Midland?

Yes.

I guess the movie about Christianity.

No, Stan. The one about Christianity is the atheist movie. We want the movie about atheism.

I don’t want to see a movie about atheism!

But, Stan, the one about atheism is a Christian movie.

It’s a Christian movie, but it’s not about Christianity.

So you want to see the atheist movie?

No! I want to see the Christian movie.

The one about atheism?

No, damnit, the movie about Christianity.

The teenager says That’s the atheist movie.

I’m not watching a damn atheist movie!

So you want to see the Christian movie, Stan?

If it’s about Christianity then yes.

But the movie about Christianity is atheist, honey.

What? Turns to teenager. Just give me two tickets to the Midland movie about Christianity.

Judy sighs. You’re not going to like this.

I’m beginning to remember why we stopped going out to movies.

Stan and Judy get their tickets, walk inside, and stand in line for popcorn and drinks.

What size popcorn do you want, Judy?

I want the Jumbo without butter.

No butter at all?

Well, a little butter is okay. But not much.

They get to the front of the line. Stan says We’ll have a Jumbo popcorn with a little butter and two medium Diet Sodas.

The teenager behind the counter says The Jumbo only comes with extra butter. If you want only a little butter you have to get the Giant.

Stan asks How big is the Giant?

It’s the same size as the Jumbo.

So the only difference is the amount of butter?

The teenager responds No, there are other differences.

Such as?

The Giant comes with extra salt.

Judy says I don’t want extra salt.

Stan asks Which one comes with a little butter and regular salt?

We don’t have “regular” salt. We have “no salt,” “extra salt,” and “extreme salt.”

Which one do you want, Judy?

Judy sighs. I’ll have the one with a little butter and no salt.

The teenager responds I’m sorry, we don’t have any popcorn that comes with a little butter and no salt. We have no salt and extreme butter or cheesy popcorn with no salt and extra butter.

I don’t want cheesy popcorn, Stan.

Stan hangs his head. He says to Judy Let’s just get the Jumbo.

But that has extra butter!

Judy, “extra butter” is the same as “regular butter.” They just use ridiculous names to make it sound better … or in your case, worse.

Judy sighs. Okay. We’ll have the Jumbo with extra butter and no salt.

I’m sorry, but the Jumbo only comes with extreme salt.

What?! Stan is miffed. Well, which type comes with extra butter and no salt?

There are none, sir.

Well, which one comes with the least amount of salt and butter?

That would be the cheesy popcorn, sir.

Oh, for Christ’s sake!

Honey! You took the Lord’s name in vain!

Oh, dear, you’re right, Judy. I’m sorry. And here we are going to a Christian movie.

No, honey, we’re going to the atheist movie about Christianity.

What?! I wanted to go to the Christian movie.

But that’s not what you told the ticket person, dear.

The teenage food worker says I don’t mean to interrupt, but the line behind you is getting rather long.

Fine. We’ll have the Jumbo popcorn,

But, honey—

We’ll just deal with it, okay?

Teenager brings Jumbo popcorn and rings it up.

Judy says Hey, we ordered two medium Diet Sodas, too.

I’m sorry, we don’t serve medium-sized drinks. We have “extra large,” “huge,” and “gigantic.”

We’ll take the smallest of those three.

They’re all the same size.

Stan stammers W-w-w-what?

I said they’re all the same size, sir.

How … why … what, what, why are they all the same size.

I don’t know, sir.

If they’re all the same size then why are there three different names?

Because each one is a different shape. One’s tall and skinny, one’s round and fat, and the other is in between.

Oh, dear Lord!

Honey! That’s the second time you’ve said the Lord’s name in vain.

I’m sorry, Judy. This place is ridiculous. Do you want the tall skinny one?

Yes, that’s fine, dear.

We’ll have the tall skinny one, son.

I’m not your son, dude.

Excuse me.

You called me “son” and I am definitely not your child.

Well, I didn’t mean to offend you, I—

You offended me.

I’m sorry.

Okay.

Stan shakes his head. We’d like two of the tall skinny Diet Sodas.

Do you mean the “huge”?

Yes!

There’s no need to yell, sir. I’m standing right here.

Judy sighs Could you just get our huge drinks, please?

Sure, ma’am.

Stan and Judy finally get their popcorn and drinks. They walk to the back of the theater they see the name Midland on the signs on either side of the hallway.

Judy says Which one is the one we bought tickets for?

Stan looks at the tickets. He looks up at the signs. He looks down at the tickets. He looks back up at the signs. Oh, for the love of Pete.

What is it, dear?

There’s no way to tell which movie is which. I do not want to watch a damn atheist movie.

But that’s the one you bought tickets for.

The heck I did! I’d never watch a damn atheist movie.

Judy sighs. Well, let’s just go to the one on the right. “The right hand of God.”

Good idea. Stan stops. But what if we had been coming from the other way?

Judy pulls him by the arm and they go inside the one on the right. They find a seat in the middle of the theater. The previews finished before Stan and Judy entered. The movie begins.

Voice over “In the Beginning there was God …”

Stan and Judy turn to one another and smile.

Voice over continues, “That’s the lie that’s been told for thousands of years. Hi, I’m Richard Dawkins and we’re going to spend the next two hours examining the fallacies of Judaism and Christianity.”

Stan says The hell we are! Let’s go, Judy. Stan and Judy walk out of the theater, across the hallway, and into the other theater.

They find a seat near the back. On screen is Richard Dawkins. Stan says What the hell?

Voice over “Richard Dawkins has a global agenda to spread atheism around the world. He has minions such as Sam Harris … and many others. Atheism today is feverish and untold numbers of youths are being converted before our very eyes.” Cutaway to Hitler Youth playing soccer.

Stan buries his head in his hands. Judy caresses his neck and back. We’re never going to the movies again, Judy. Never.