Cable news shows in 2023:
Co-Moderator Stan: Hi, I’m Stan.
Co-Moderator Lisa: And I’m Lisa.
Co-Moderators: And this is the Real News Network!
[theme music by Taylor Swift]
Stan: Today we’re going to be discussing topics as varied as sloafing.
Lisa: And gumming.
Stan: And virtuality.
Lisa: And Trump.
Stan: Duh.
Lisa: And here’s today’s panel of experts.
Stan: We have Guy Who Looks Like Alan Dershowitz.
Lisa: Because Alan Dershowitz is dead.
Stan: Yes. He died.
Lisa: Of pedophilia.
Stan: And a heart attack.
Lisa: A liberal conspiracy?
Stan: The heart attack?
Lisa: No, that Trump ate him.
Stan: Oh. Right. We also have on our show a former Republican Senator.
Lisa: It could be any former Republican Senator.
Stan: Right, because he’s old, white, and male.
Lisa: A socialist conspiracy?
Stan: Finally, we have a woman who shrieks a lot.
Lisa: Her name is Blonde.
Stan: No, it’s … oh, yeah, it is.
Lisa: She’s a former celebrity.
Stan: Panel, welcome to the show.
Alan Look-A-Like: Thank you. My name is actually Dot Org.
Stan: I respect your right to choose.
Former Senator: Thank you. I also have a name and it’s—
Lisa: Really don’t care. I’m going to call you Old White Man because it’s easy to remember.
Old White Man: I am proud of being old and white and having a penis.
Blonde: If I may, I just want to point out that I was a celebrity in May of 2022 before I wasn’t a celebrity in July of 2022 and, as of tonight, am now a celebrity again.
Lisa: Congratulations!
Blonde: Thank you.
Stan: Okay, sloafing. What is it Dot Org?
Dot Org: It’s like a slofie, but with a couch instead of an iPhone.
Lisa: Is the couch technologically advanced?
Dot Org: Um … sure.
Stan: Then that’s cool!
Blonde: I’d like to say that I am for cool things.
Old White Man: I am against cool things because they are anti-Trump.
Lisa: They are?
Old White Man: I just said so.
Stan: Oh. Okay then.
Blonde: I still like cool things.
Old White Man: Then you’re a communist.
Blonde: You cannot define my sexual identity.
Dot Org: An interesting thing about sloafing is that you can do it even if you aren’t a registered voter.
Stan: So, illegal immigrants can do it?
Dot Org: No, they have to work.
Blonde: That’s not cool.
Old White Man: So it’s a good thing?
Lisa: Maybe?
Dot Org: There haven’t been any polls on it yet.
Stan: Then why are we talking about this?
Lisa: You brought it up.
Blonde: That’s not cool.
Old White Man: So it’s good that you brought it up. Blonde is a hateful pig who won’t be a celebrity tomorrow.
Blonde: Tomorrow is so “yesterday.”
Dot Org: We’re all just trailers on a tractor farm.
Blonde: I love movie trailers.
Old White Man: I’m glad they got rid of movies so we could pay to stream trailers.
Stan: Didn’t you pass legislation to make that happen?
Old White Man: No, I’m against Big Government.
Lisa: Are you for Small Government?
Old White Man: I’m for Capitalism.
Dot Org: Which used to be called Insanity by Bernie Sanders.
Blonde: Oh, I love Insanity. I’m wearing it right now.
Lisa: I didn’t know Bernie Sanders made Insanity.
Stan: It was when he was still alive.
Dot Org: Did you know “used to be called” used to be called “used to be called”?
Blonde: That’s a lot of words.
Old White Men: Words are against Trump.
Stan: Speaking of Trump, how long will he be president?
Old White Man: He’s not the president. He’s an immortal emperor.
Lisa: I heard that somewhere!
Stan: Yes, Trump tweeted it yesterday.
Lisa: Then it’s true!
Blonde: Yesterday is so “Tomorrow.”
Old White Man: What is “Today”?
Stan: Tuesday.
Blonde: Tuesday is the new “Wednesday.”
Lisa: Oh.
Old White Man: Trump is Forever.
Dot Org: Up is still “Up.”
Stan: There are some things you can still count on.
Lisa: Like iPhones?
Dot Org: It’s true. You can count on iPhones.
Old White Man: Apple is the Devil.
Stan: Let’s talk about gumming.
Blonde: Toothless blowjobs?
Stan: No.
Old White Man: Eating without dentures?
Stan: No.
Lisa: It’s when you can’t stop imagining things that aren’t.
Stan: No, but that’s a lot more interesting so let’s talk about that.
Lisa: What?
Stan: Imagining things that aren’t.
Dot Org: That used to be called fantasy.
Blonde: That’s my favorite probiotic flavor!
Old White Man: I’m anti-biotics.
Stan: You’re medicine?
Blonde: Medicine is bad. I treat wounds with macrobiotics.
Lisa: Is all of this “gumming”?
Blonde: Toothless blowjobs?
Old White Man: Eating without dentures?
Dot Org: If it’s imagining what isn’t, then we’re on topic.
Stan: Which brings me to my next question: Do topics need to be discussed?
Blonde: I don’t understand the question.
Dot Org: It’s possible that they want to be discussed.
Old White Man: The market will determine that.
Lisa: Do we have any polls on the subject?
Stan: No, not on the subject, but we do have polls on topics. 75 percent of people are against topics, 15 percent are against being against topics, and 35 percent like ice cream.
Blonde: I don’t like ice cream unless there’s kambucha in it.
Lisa: That is something I can’t imagine.
Dot Org: Or is it something you imagine that isn’t?
Lisa: What?
Old White Man: Trump says the markets will favor what happens.
Blonde: I like what happens except when I don’t.
Stan: Ah, Blonde, I’m glad you brought up virtuality.
Blonde: What’s that?
Dot Org: It’s what you brought up.
Blonde: You mean “bought.”
Dot Org. No, I don’t.
Blonde: But I did!
Stan: I’m going to interject and say that we should all support Blonde’s sexual identity of choice.
Old White Man: I’m against sexual identities except when the market is for them.
Stan: So, virtuality is something that doesn’t happen when it doesn’t. And, yet, you can still experience what doesn’t happen through virtuality.
Dot Org: That’s also possible using imagination.
Blonde: Imagination? Is that a new fragrance?
Old White Man: Donald Trump has banned the use of imagination.
Lisa: That happened?
Old White Man: I imagined it happened.
Stan: That’s virtuality!
Dot Org: No, that’s imagination.
Lisa: Which is illegal now.
Dot Org: No, Old White Man just imagined it.
Lisa: Which is also illegal! Oh my God, are you for the terrorists?
Dot Org: Me?
Lisa: Yes, you! You’re the one who said it!
Dot Org: I didn’t say that.
Old White Man: I heard him say it.
Stan: In my virtuality, he said it.
Blonde: My pores are getting clogged.
Lisa: We’ll be right back after the Gestapo arrests Dot Org.
