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Skeet: Have you ever set your foot on fire?
Ulrich: Tried to. Didn’t have the right kindling for it.
Skeet: Is that like fondling?
Ulrich: Are you baiting me, boy?
Skeet: If I’m gonna catch something worthwhile, I wouldn’t bait you, that’s for sure.
Ulrich: I feel ya, I feel ya. You’re wrong, but I feel ya.
Skeet: I want to burn my foot.
Ulrich: Yeah, I can see that. You got like a bursa on it or something?
Skeet: Burka. You mean burka.
Ulrich: No, pretty sure it’s a bursa, like a big ole lump, like a bursa.
Skeet: I think that’s a country. Bursa Manjino.
Ulrich: No, that’s not even close, you’re way off. You’re thinking of Brisk, the cool refreshing drink.
Skeet: Huh. Well, maybe, but I mean a lump on my foot, a burka. It’s like a boil, but it’s not.
Ulrich: You should boil your foot. That would probably get rid of the burka.
Me. No, you wear burkas on your head.
Ulrich: I don’t.
Skeet: Where do you wear them?
Ulrich: I try not to wear them, though I got drunk in Mexico once and wound up riding a burro into the desert alone at 3 AM. I woke up in a hut made out of cactus. An old Indian woman fed me raw beans. Nasty shit. No water, so I milked from her titty.
Skeet: Yeah, that happens. I was in South America a few years ago and I woke up naked with honey smeared all over my body next to a mound of termites.
Ulrich: What happened?
Skeet: I got a bursa.
Ulrich: Yeah, yeah, wearing a bursa in South America, people don’t take kindly to that.
Skeet: No, not at all. That’s sort of beside the point, but I can understand your perspective.
Ulrich: You know, sometimes when I’m alone at night, I think of what it would be like to be an archer.
Skeet: I’ve never considered it. Throwing spears, I could see that. I’m not fond of things that bend, though. I think it would be a little fey to carry a bow.
Ulrich: Sure, there’s something to be said for a long-range rifle, especially if you want to be a sniper in a big city, but if I’m in the wild, I want me a bow. I can make arrows, just whittle with my teeth, plenty of branches and twigs out there. But you run out of bullets and what you gonna do?
Me. That’s why I go with the spear. Close-range combat, a guy rushing you, maybe a boar.
Ulrich: Seems like a, seems like a fair excuse for manhood. Sometimes the words coming out of your mouth remind me of mesquite-smoked Texas turds. Some people have a taste for that, but it won’t put bacon on a plate.
Skeet: Maybe a chainsaw.
Ulrich: Yeah, that’s a man’s tool. Got a motor, though. Need gasoline.
Skeet: Yeah, gasoline, that’d help me burn my foot.
Ulrich: What, again with the brusk?
Skeet: Yeah, the burnyon. Just need a torch.
Ulrich: You could hire an archer. Just get one of them to take aim from a good two hundred feet away and shoot that puppy right off.
Skeet: I’m not into killing puppies, but I think you might be on something.
Ulrich: My feet.
Skeet: What?
Ulrich: My feet.
Skeet: No, we were talking about my feet. I got a bursa. Need to burn it.
Ulrich: No, an archer. Maybe a sniper.
Skeet: What about the bullets?
Ulrich: Yeah, have to buy bullets.
Skeet: But you can’t get bullets in the wild.
Ulrich: Good point, good point. Sometimes you make sense. I forget that. Don’t always remember. Often fail to recognize that. It’s like a big hole in my memory, like a black hole.
Skeet: I’ve been in a black hole.
Ulrich: Yeah? Kinda chilly in there, right? A little, a little cramped, maybe? Not enough room. Kinda dark.
Skeet: Yeah, dark. Don’t remember. Drank too much. Happens sometimes.
Ulrich: Huh. You’re like a, like an alcoholic astronaut, exploring the universe one drink at a time.
Skeet: Something like that. Just kinda fell into it, you know. Wasn’t something I aimed to do. Not like I trained for it or anything. Come to me pretty natural.
Ulrich: I like it, I like it. Kind of just woke up a man one day, right?
Skeet: Pretty much. One day I was a boy peeking through the keyhole watching my sister taking a shower, the next I opened the door and got in there with her.
Ulrich: That’s something, not something you hear every day. Lot of people frown on that, don’t know what it’s like to become a man, to get your drink on, fall in a black hole, wake up naked next to your sister in bed. Been there. Not pretty. Not pretty at all.
Skeet: Yeah, you’re sister’s ugly. At least she ain’t vain, though.
Ulrich: I find it’s more appropriate to be good looking if you’re vain. If you’re not good looking, it’s better to find another hobby. Maybe quilting.
Skeet: Yeah, I don’t think you’d find an argument for that one from me. From someone else, maybe, but not from anyone who’s vain.
Ulrich: Which is the only ones that matter.
Skeet: That’s true. My daddy taught me that.
Ulrich: Oh, yeah? I didn’t realize you’re daddy stuck around after you were born.
Skeet: No, he didn’t. A different daddy. “Number 5,” I call him. Momma was popular, had a lot of fellas.
Ulrich: She was vain, wasn’t she?
Skeet: Oh, yeah, definitely. Guys took one look at her and knew she thought a lot about the way she looked. She appreciated that so she rewarded them the only way a woman knows how. I learned a lot about women from her. You don’t want to be with a woman who ain’t vain and ain’t making sure you’re awarded for paying attention to it. A smile goes a long way.
Ulrich: Only if you see it. I think a grope works better.
Skeet: Well, it depends. I’m not sure on what, but it depends.
Ulrich: Things often depend.
Skeet: Yup. It’s like firecrackers. You want to set them off, but you don’t want to have them in your mouth when you do it.
Ulrich: Great point, great point. Those are the types of things parents need to be teaching their children. I wish my mom had taught me.
Skeet: Well, when it comes to mommas, you mostly have to observe because they don’t say much when they’re not yelling at you.
Ulrich: I suppose that’s true, but it depends. My mom never spoke to me directly. I had a nanny, Consuela, who told me what my mom wanted. I once made eye contact with my mom, I was about nine years old, and I cried for a damn week. Once I got under the covers on my bed, I just sobbed uncontrollably. Consuela, bless her, she brought me water and food, gave me a bedpan, wiped my ass, sponge-bathed me, and taught me all about the diablo.
Skeet: I’ve had a few diablos in my life. You don’t know they’re diablos until the next morning and you shit yourself when you see them, just a huge old crap in your bed—or maybe hers. The devil seems kind when you’re drinkin’ tequila, though.
Ulrich: Well, you would know about that, though I think we might be talking about different things.
Skeet: Like what?
Ulrich: What do you mean?
Skeet: What do you want to talk about?
Ulrich: We are.
Skeet: We’re what?
Ulrich: We’re talking about things.
Skeet: Oh, yeah.
Ulrich: Why don’t you let me hold that bottle for a bit?
Skeet: Um, I guess that’s a, what do you call it? A suggestion.
Ulrich: No, it was a question. But kind of a telling you what to do, too.
Skeet: I see.
Ulrich: I’m not sure about that, liberally or feverishly.
Skeet: Did you just call me a liberal?
Ulrich: Hey, if the pot fits.
Skeet: Oh, yeah, I was going to roll a joint, wasn’t I?
Me. You were? I mean, yeah, of course. Here I’ll hold the bottle.
Skeet: No, I’m good.
Skeet: How are you gonna roll a joint while you’re holding the bottle?
Skeet: I’ve done it plenty of times. It just requires congratulations.
Skeet: Well, congratulations then.
Skeet: Thank you. It’s been a long time coming.
Ulrich: I know. It’s not even here yet.
Skeet: That sucks.
Ulrich: At least ya got something to look forward to.
Skeet: You know what’s funny? No matter where I’m looking, it’s always forward.
Ulrich: You’re one of those, ah, what do call ‘em, “forward thinkers.”
Skeet: Yeah, I see forward, I think forward. It’s all ahead of me except for what’s behind me.
Ulrich: And on either side of you.
Skeet: Above and below, too. Here hold this bottle, I need to roll a joint.
Ulrich: Okay. I’m gonna get some more wood for the campfire.
Skeet: We’re camping?
Ulrich: No, but there’s a fire.
Skeet: Yeah, I see that. Actually, I think that’s the reason I can see.
Ulrich: No, you see because of your eyes.
Skeet: Good point. Nuff said.
Ulrich: For the rest of the night?
Skeet: What?
Ulrich: Nuff said?
Skeet: I think you’ve said plenty.
Ulrich: It happens.
Skeet: Not much I can do about that.
Ulrich: No, I suppose there isn’t. You know, I was thinking, maybe you should just put your foot in the fire.
Skeet: What?
Ulrich: You said you wanted to burn your foot.
Skeet: Oh, yeah. Well, I gotta roll the joint first.
Ulrich: Yeah. And I gotta get some wood.
Skeet: As long as it’s not around me.
Ulrich: There’s no wood around you.
Skeet: Good, because that’s not something I would appreciate.
Ulrich: It would make my job easier, but to each their own.
Skeet: That’s right, I’ll keep mine to myself and you keep yours to yourself.
Ulrich: That’s good advice for anyone, not just you and me.
Skeet: I’m glad we’re seeing eye-to-eye on this.
Ulrich: I don’t look anyone in the eye. Not after the diablo.
Skeet: Oh. Well, as long as you know where I’m at I guess it doesn’t matter if you see me or not.
Ulrich: I’m not sure that makes sense, but I’m okay going my own way.
Skeet: There shouldn’t be two ways about it.
Ulrich: Is there just one way?
Skeet: There’s no way! We ain’t going about it and that’s that!
Ulrich: Damn, you’re ornery when you roll joints.
Skeet: I’m just rolling my own. If you want one, roll your own.
Ulrich: What the hell? I thought we were gonna share your joint?
Skeet: My joint is my joint and yours is yours.
Ulrich: Fine, maybe I’ll make my own damn fire somewhere else then. I got the bottle, too.
Skeet: What? Give me back that damn bottle before you go off getting lost in the dark.
Ulrich: You have to a roll a joint, remember.
Skeet: Oh, yeah.
Ulrich: Okay, I’m going to get some wood.
Skeet: Hey, when you get back why don’t you put a log on the fire.
Ulrich: I am back.
Skeet: What?
Ulrich: There’s a big pile of wood just five feet over there.
Skeet: That’s awesome. We’re lucky we chose this spot.
Ulrich: Yeah, it was smart to build the fire right next to where we put all the wood.
Skeet: It’s smarts like that that made you such a good leader.
Ulrich: Some people didn’t know that.
Skeet: Not everyone’s smart.
Ulrich: You gotta be smart to know that.
Skeet: Thank you.
Ulrich: I’m also humble.
Skeet: Yeah, I remember when you took all the credit for things you didn’t do.
Ulrich: I just tried blend in, you know, let the people see me as someone who’s just like them except that I can do things they can’t. That’s how I roll.
Skeet: This is how I roll. Here, you want the first hit?
Ulrich: Hey, thanks man. That is a juicy fatty right there. You’re good.
Skeet: You’re welcome.
Ulrich: You make me feel welcome, even when you don’t.
Skeet: I try to make everyone feel comfortable. I learned it by watching you.
Ulrich: I’m like a roll model to you.
Skeet: It’s sort of like that, but it’s also completely different.
Ulrich: Whoa, now you’re getting heavy. It’s like trying to figure out how to eat a donut in space.
Skeet: Or how to lead a Jew to a gas chamber.
Ulrich: Exactly what I was thinking. It’s like you’re inside my mind and you know what I’m thinking right when I think it.
Skeet: It’s probably because you say everything you think.
Ulrich: Maybe. Still an amazing ability, though, to be able to hear what I’m saying while I’m saying it.
Skeet: Yeah. It’s good to have ears that can hear.
Ulrich: I’ve always thought that. Damn, you’re good!
Skeet: Yeah. Hey, pass it, okay?
Ulrich: Oh, yeah, there you go. Here’s the bottle, too.
Skeet: Thank you.
Ulrich: Oh, yeah, I need to put another log on the fire.
Skeet: You’re going to shit on the fire?
Ulrich: Probably later. Amazing how you know stuff like that.
Skeet: Whoa, that’s a big branch man. You gotta arrange that shit, okay?
Ulrich: Hey, I grew up on a ranch. I know about building fires.
Skeet: Yeah, I know. I heard all about it from my cousin. She’s a mute.
Ulrich: Huh, so she communicates like a mime?
Skeet: Cave drawings.
Ulrich: That’s inconvenient.
Skeet: Not for her. She has a gift.
Ulrich: I like to give. It’s a thing.
Skeet: It’s good of you. I’m glad.
Ulrich: I believe in giving people a leg up so they can work and make a living.
Skeet: You like to put your feet up while other people work?
Ulrich: Sure, who doesn’t? It’s about creating jobs.
Skeet: I’m glad. You know that guy, Donald Trump?
Ulrich: Not personally. Know he wears a deer hide on his head. Don’t know why, but I don’t judge people for things like that. He’s got a lot of money and that’s what counts.
Skeet: Yeah, he’s rich. Something to be said for that.
Ulrich: More than one thing even.
Skeet: You’ll never get even.
Ulrich: Nah, don’t figure on it.
Skeet: Could be a lot worse for you if you didn’t have arms or legs.
Ulrich: Hey, you know, everyone’s got worries. The key thing is to not worry about others because then you’ll have less to worry about.
Skeet: In some strange way, you make sense. Here, have another toke.
Ulrich: Yeah, good. Thanks.
Skeet: You know that Donald Trump wants to build a wall along the Mexican border and kick the illegal immigrants out of the country.
Ulrich: Illegal? They’re under eighteen?
Skeet: Some of them.
Ulrich: You know, I don’t really consider sixteen “illegal.”
Skeet: Oh. One of my cousins is an immigrant. Fourteen years old. What about her?
Ulrich: Damn, that’s a tough one. Gets a little iffy around there. I hate to kick her out of the country for it—after all, she’s only two years away from being sixteen—but the line has to be drawn somewhere. But maybe the line should be ten, you know?
Skeet: I do a lot of lines.
Ulrich: Yeah, me, too, back in the day. You got any blow on you?
Skeet: No, man. I’ll call my friend tomorrow, though.
Ulrich: Yeah, let me sleep on it.
Skeet: Okay. Just to let you know, my friend’s illegal, too?
Ulrich: I don’t care how old he is if he can get me an eight ball.
Skeet: Cool. You’re a good guy. People make you out to be an asshole, but you’re cool.
Ulrich: I know. People like me.
Skeet: Except for the ones who don’t.
Ulrich: Yeah, there’s them. You can do some of things some the time, but not all of the things none of the time.
Skeet: Give me back that joint, man.
Ulrich: Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Skeet: No problem. I like that you’re cool with illegal immigrants.
Ulrich: As long as they’re hot, I don’t care.
Skeet: Was Consuela illegal?
Ulrich: No, she was in her thirties.
Skeet: Did you ever bang her?
Ulrich: She was my first.
Skeet: Wow, man, that’s crazy.
Ulrich: Yeah. She was a screamer.
Skeet: Oh, yeah?
Ulrich: Yup. She didn’t like being held down like that. She got over it, though.
Skeet: How do you know?
Ulrich: Because she stopped screaming after the third time.
Skeet: That reminds me of the difference between love and hate.
Ulrich: Funny, it reminds me of how much I want stuff I don’t have
Skeet: It’s like that saying, “I think therefore I want a donut.”
Ulrich: Yeah, and the other one: “I am therefore I eat a donut.”
Skeet: The more that I think about it, it’s like a big steak floating around in the sky, like a lonely steak that got separated from a flock of flying steaks migrating from Texas that typically stop to mate on the Missouri River somewhere in South Dakota before flying onward to Canada to give birth to veal cutlets on a pristine natural lake that’s never been seen by human beings. That’s the type of purity that it has, the purity of a steak untainted by humanity, a wild steak so unfamiliar with humans that it will fly within easy reach without believing it’s in any danger of being eaten—and I am going to eat that motherfucker!
Ulrich: Yeah, that sounds good, like eating popcorn that’s been buttered in the sun. Corona corn.
Skeet: That’s like eating alcohol off of a cob.
Ulrich: Or like dropping a deuce on a baby in a crib.
Skeet: Never thought of it like that, but pretty close, almost close enough to smell the dooky on the baby’s breath.
Ulrich: You know how babies sleep?
Skeet: Sure.
Ulrich: Really? Is it like adults sleeping?
Skeet: More like a turtle crouching, to be honest.
Ulrich: Honesty is the best policy.
Skeet: Not if it’s an insurance policy.
Ulrich: That’s true. Reminds me of a cold Montana winter.
Skeet: Or nude sunbathing in Central Park.
Ulrich: I met a naked woman in Montana. She peppered my ass with buckshot.
Skeet: Why?
Ulrich: I think she wanted to see what would happen.
Skeet: Did she?
Ulrich: I don’t know, I passed out.
Skeet: Shit, that’s too bad. Sucks not knowing.
Ulrich: The more you know, the less you don’t.
Skeet: There’s something in that for everyone.
Ulrich: Every child should learn that.
Skeet: In a perfect world …
Ulrich: What?
Skeet: Huh?
Ulrich: What would happen in a perfect world?
Skeet: Probably be a little bit like Houston.
Ulrich: Houston?
Skeet: Sure, if you’re a Texan.
Ulrich: That’s somethin’. The less you know, the more you don’t.
Skeet: That’s like the same thing, but not quite different.
Ulrich: Sometimes you have to give yourself a chance to take a nap.
Skeet: Especially when you can’t.
Ulrich: Never too old to pick things up and put them back down.
Skeet: Like a pancake without syrup.
Ulrich: Or green without washing.
Skeet: There’s been very little speculation about how that could happen.
Ulrich: You can say that again, but I hope you never do.
Skeet: Maybe if you rubbed my feet more often.
Ulrich: That’s one way to look at it, but I’d prefer to watch a donkey fuck a pig.
Skeet: I’ve seen that a number of times. Never gets old.
Ulrich: It’s like a beautiful sunset—you want it to last forever, but it ends in a matter of minutes.
Skeet: If a sunset had a smell it would be like an armpit that hasn’t been washed for a week.
Ulrich: Now that’s poetry, Walt Whitman style.
Skeet: I’m radically against poetry. Makes me think about sheep even when it’s about something else.
Ulrich: I’m proud of you.
Skeet: Painters I got no problem with.
Ulrich: Course not. Dogs playing poker? Fucking genius.
Skeet: Anything painted on velvet is good.
Ulrich: Except for my mother’s vagina.
Skeet: I disagree.
Ulrich: You can dream, but you still have to eat hamburger.
Skeet: Little known fact: vegans eat hamburger.
Ulrich: I did not know that.
Skeet: It’s the exception that proves the rule.
Ulrich: I’m all for breaking rules.
Skeet: Yes and no. I’m a fascist anarchist.
Ulrich: You’re living a lie.
Skeet: And the truth.
Ulrich: I guess you can have it both ways.
Skeet: Gandhi did, too. He was a peace fascist.
Ulrich: I’m naturally peaceful, but I’ve been working hard to become more violent.
Ulrich: It’s better if you earn it. You’ll appreciate it more.
Skeet: That’s how it all is, isn’t it?
Ulrich: Not according to Justin Bieber.
Skeet: I only listen to people who talk with their mouths closed.
Ulrich: That’s wisdom right there. Lepers could learn so much if they just took a break from suffering all the time. Like, every time I think of you, I feel like I should wipe my ass and go to bed, but then I remember how much more food is left in the fridge and all I can do is cry.
Skeet: That happens to a lot of people. One time a guy told me not to get up in his business and I told him I wasn’t a capitalist. He shook my hand and told me to walk a mile in his shoes, but he wanted me to do it while he was still wearing them. I had to break his fingers just to get him to shut up.
Ulrich: I wish violence came that easily to me.
Skeet: Keep working on it. Cheaters never fail.
Ulrich: It’s not for you to tell me.
Skeet: It’s not for you to tell me it’s not for me to tell you.
Ulrich: Oh, we’re in complete agreement about that!
Skeet: Oh, really? You’re one those? I had no idea.
Ulrich: I would be ashamed if I wasn’t so confused … but maybe not. I don’t know.
Skeet: You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.
Ulrich: That’s not the way I make decisions.
Skeet: Do you climb trees?
Ulrich: If I need to find something.
Skeet: That’s an exciting dilemma.
Ulrich: It is, isn’t it? I don’t know why I didn’t see it that way before. My God! I’ve been so wrapped up in my own little world that I forgot you’re here with me right now! Wow!
Skeet: That’s weird, because I assumed you were aware that you were talking to yourself.
Ulrich: No, not at all! It was just, like, all the sudden, there you were and I was like, wow, I’m talking to you and I’ve been talking to you this whole time even though I thought I was talking to you while I was talking to you but in a way that blinded me from realizing it.
Skeet: You need to kneel down and pray about this.
Ulrich: Yeah, but first I want to bite my nails and watch you blink your eyes.
Skeet: That’s going to be problematic because I have no plans to turn and face you.
Ulrich: It’s been strange talking to the back of your head.
Skeet: I would think you would be used to it by now.
Ulrich: No.
Skeet: Keep practicing.
Ulrich: Like I have a choice in the matter.
Skeet: Maybe you should climb a tree.
Ulrich: Good idea, I haven’t been able to find my bowling ball.
Skeet: Now you’re getting it.
Ulrich: Whew, thank you. I would have been paralyzed by fear if you hadn’t said that.
Skeet: The least I could do.
Ulrich: It would be nice if you would do a little more sometimes.
Skeet: I only ever do the least.
Ulrich: That’s a dead man’s axiom.
Skeet: No, it’s an open-coffin mind.
Ulrich: Hmmm …
Skeet: Yes.
Ulrich: Ah.
Skeet: Uh huh.
Ulrich: Phew!
Skeet: Finally!
Ulrich: Wow.
Skeet: Incredible.
Ulrich: It just keeps going, doesn’t it?
Skeet: I can’t believe it’s happening like this.
Ulrich: The gods are smiling on us.
Skeet: Better than that time they pissed on us.
Ulrich: I remember that like it never happened! That was last year right?
Skeet: Or Tuesday.
Ulrich: That reminds me, do you burn calendars?
Skeet: For breakfast, sure.
Ulrich: Okay, because I wanted to ask you when you were going to go to the bathroom.
Skeet: I have not been to the bathroom in years and I have no plans to go there any time soon.
Ulrich: You don’t get many vacation days, do you?
Skeet: I have plenty of those, but not enough reasons to use them.
Ulrich: It sucks when the only things you have are those you need.
Skeet: Unfortunately, I have that problem.
Ulrich: You’re doing it again.
Skeet: What?
Ulrich: Saying everything I want you to say before I want you to say it!
Skeet: Is that what’s going on?
Ulrich: No! Damnit!
Skeet: It’s not like I live here.
Ulrich: You’re from Nebraska?
Skeet: Did you tell me to understand that? Because I did.
Ulrich: That’s the first time that ever worked.
Skeet: It’ll only happen more often now.
Ulrich: Shit.
Ulrich: It’s your own fault.
Skeet: How do you figure?
Ulrich: I pay someone to do it.
Skeet: I didn’t think you had that kind of money.
Ulrich: I don’t. I give her alarm clocks. My brother makes them. He’s a rodent.
Skeet: Oh, no wonder you’re so tall. I thought I was just really jaded, but you’ve shown me more about how I can attach sounds to smells than any other person I’ve ever needed.
Ulrich: Wow, I’m taken aback. It’s the first time for me.
Skeet: You lost your virginity to me?
Ulrich: Why do you ask?
Skeet: I’m trying to make you feel unimportant.
Ulrich: I can appreciate how much courage it took for you to say that.
Skeet: It was nothing.
Ulrich: Now you’re just being adorable.
Skeet: I was wondering when you would notice.
Ulrich: I don’t like to dwell on things.
Skeet: I’ll do it for you from now on. Just tell me how you want it to be done and I’ll try my best. It’s usually better if you call late in the afternoon because I typically avoid making plans until the last minute. That’s how I get the hours I need to count the seconds I breathe.
Ulrich: I’m more of a big picture kind of guy.
Skeet: Always looking for an easy way out.
Ulrich: If you mean that it’s the little things that matter, then yes.
Skeet: I focused my energy in such a way that I could not have predicted that interpretation.
Ulrich: If you only look up then you’ll always fall down.
Skeet: Opposites attract, right?
Ulrich: Magnetic poles, of course.
Skeet: I was thinking about the origins of the universe, now that you mention it.
Ulrich: I’m pretty sure it was the sneeze of a pot-bellied pig.
Skeet: Looked more like a platypus to me.
Ulrich: You were looking up, weren’t you?
Skeet: Yes, but my head was facing down.
Ulrich: So you saw straight ahead?
Skeet: No, I saw the back of yours.
Ulrich: Oh.
