Me: You recently said that Portland has been burning for decades.
Trump: Yes, almost one hundred years. Horrible.
Me: I’ve lived in Portland and I can assure you that it hasn’t been burning for a hundred years, a decade, a year, or any length of time at all.
Trump: It’s invisible fire.
Me: Invisible fire?
Trump: Yes, invisible. You can’t see it. No one can see it. I can see it, but no one else can.
Me: Why wasn’t I burned when I lived there? And why are all of the buildings intact except for the few that were burned in recent arson attacks?
Trump: You were burned. Everyone burned. Portland is a burned out husk, total rubble.
Me: That’s ridiculous. I was never burned. Portland is fine.
Trump. No, that’s fake news. You were burned and Portland is a fiery hole in the ground. No one has ever seen a bigger hole in the ground.
Me: There’s no hole in the ground. Besides, if I was burned then how could I be sitting here asking you questions?
Trump: You’re a figment of my imagination.
Me: No, I’m real. You’re delusional.
Trump: Yes, I’m delightful.
Me: Delusional.
Trump: That’s what I said. Look, Portland has been burning since Y2K.
Me: Y2K?
Trump: That’s when the men in black started burning it.
Me: Men in black? What are you talking about?
Trump: The men in black suits. Antifa. The black uniforms. It’s classified.
Me: Wait—antifa started burning Portland in the year 2000?
Trump: Yup. Y2K, the computer thing, the men in black, the Antifa Nazis in black uniforms.
Me: Antifa means anti-fascist, the opposite of Nazis.
Trump: No, Antifa is Nazi. They time traveled to Portland at the end of WWII. Everyone thought they went to Argentina, but they time traveled to Y2K to burn Portland to the ground.
Me: You’re insane.
Trump: I’m not in pain, but thank you for asking. The point is that the time-traveling Nazis are running Biden’s campaign. I was briefed on it this morning by Very Important People.
Me: What the hell are you talking about?
Trump: The deep state. The anarchist Nazi deep state that runs the global sex trafficking ring. That’s why I became president, to stop the liberal Nazis so I could run the sex trafficking ring.
Me: You’re an idiot.
Trump: No, I was appointed by God to be president. I’m the Second Coming, the Second Coming of God. I was sent to save America and make it great again like it was in the Garden of Eden.
Me: Oh, now you’re the son of God?
Trump: No, I’m the Second Coming of God. Putin was the first. I’m the second. It’s all about building a wall which will become an ark to save America from the flood.
Me: What Bible have you been reading?
Trump: I didn’t read the Bible. I wrote it after I published “The Art of the Deal.” Best sellers, both of them are best sellers. I’m the best writer. People say I’m the best so I must be the best.
Me: No one says you’re the best.
Trump: Some people say it. Most people. Pretty much everyone.
Me: No one says it.
Trump: That’s fake news. You’re saying nasty things. You’re a nasty person. I’m God and you’re wrong.
Me: You’re not God.
Trump: I am. I was briefed on it by Very Important People in the White House.
Me: Who?
Trump: It’s under investigation right now so I can’t talk about it.
Me: You’re just saying things, just whatever pops into your delusional mind.
Trump: Everything I say is true. You lie. CNN lies. Fauci lies. You’re all dirty, nasty liars. I know everything and you know nothing.
Me: You’re a narcissistic jackass with a God-complex.
Trump: I am complex, a very stable genius. I injected bleach into my veins and got superpowers so I could save America from the covfefe virus.
Me: It’s the coronavirus. COVID-19.
Trump: I eat 19 cheeseburgers every day.
Me: That I believe. You’re as big as a walrus.
Trump: I am the walrus. Coo-coo-ca-choo.
Me: You’re a child with a choo-choo for a brain.
Trump: Yes, I know everything. I know all.
Me: You’re omniscient?
Trump: Yes, I’m omnistupendous.
Me: That’s not a word.
Trump: It’s a word. It’s the name of my special cheeseburgers. I order them from the presidential menu every day.
Me: I don’t even know what to—
Trump: It’s an invisible menu. Only presidents can see it.
Me: Okay, so Obama was able to see this invisible presidential menu, too?
Trump: No, it didn’t exist when he was president. Bannon made it. He has magic powers.
Me: Steve Bannon created an invisible menu that only you can see and you order special cheeseburgers from it every day?
Trump: Yes, I wear cheeseburgers as body armor. I look fat, but it’s just cheeseburger body armor. They can stop missiles.
Me: Well, you have layers of fat as body armor and I do believe that it was formed by eating cheeseburgers.
Trump: No, I don’t eat the cheeseburgers. I wear them. I’m really skinny, but more muscular than skinny. I’m in perfect health. I have the body of a nine-year-old.
Me: And the mind of a three-year-old.
Trump: I’m very young and quite small.
Me: You’re huge. You look like you have watermelons in your jowls.
Trump: I store watermelons in my cheeks so that I can eat them during the winter while I’m hibernating. I sleep half the year.
Me: Could be. You’ve been sleep-talking for years, I guess. No wonder you don’t make any sense and people think you’re crazy.
Trump: I’m crazy like a fox, like Fox News, the Bible of Fox News that predicts what I’ll do next.
Me: They tell you what to do next.
Trump: No, that’s Putin.
Me: So you admit that you’re Putin’s puppet?
Trump: Are you putting on a puppet show?
Me: No, but you have been.
Trump: I have? I love muppets. They taste like ice cream.
Me: You need to be locked up.
Trump: I’m locked and loaded, ready to fire, gonna burn down the Antifa, maybe pour the COVID on them, no one has ever poured the COVID like I have, I’m the best covfefe in the history of America which I built on the Seventh Day of Rest because I was pooped from sleeping so much.
Me: I think you might be having a stroke.
Trump: Yes, my golf stroke is amazing, no one plays golf like me, but some people choke on three-foot putts and shoot negroes in the back seven times or choke them to death with a knee on their neck. It is what it is which is better than anything Sleepy Joe has ever done. He sleeps more than me, has a socialist knee, can’t control his pee, sings fiddle-dee-dee half past three, olley olley everything is free for me!
Me: You’ve got a brain tumor, I’m sure of it. It’s gotta be the size of cantaloupe.
Trump: I can’t elope, I’m married. Or can I? Are you saying I can get married to more than one person at a time? Why did I ever get divorced? I could have just kept marrying women every time I grabbed them by the pussy and made them stroke my wiener. I ate sixteen wieners yesterday. With ketchup. Ketchup is good, the number one import to China, that’s what they say. I’m gonna make them pay a tariff, though, and then I’m going to play Yahtzee with Kim Jong-Puntang and Voldemort Putin. After I take a nap. I’m sleepy. Sleepy Trump needs a nap. Tucker Carlson sings me lullabies about ending Social Security and Medicaid to make everyone poor and homeless so I can shoot them seven times when I miss three-foot putts—
Me: I’m leaving.
Trump: —I have a tattoo of Roger Stone’s butthole next to my butthole. I fart when I tweet. I’m going to tweet about my giant head filled with immigrant caravans living inside the walls of my tanning bed. I need more water pressure from my shower head. My hair has to be perfect. My skin is made of orange peels. I blather incessantly without any ability to stop myself. Everyone loves me. Please tell me you love me. Will you love me? I want my mommy. My big toe is shaped like Africa and my tongue is made of evil. Three times is the most I’ve ever been nice to Mexicans. Police brutality makes my pee-pee hard. I like watching old people die while eating oleander. Stephen Miller pops the pimples on my back every night before while I watch Sean Hannity. I want to buy Greenland and pave it with golden turds. No one loves sadism as much as I do, putting brown babies in little cages and destroying the post office. I wish I had nostrils on my nipples. Putin is Q. Everything tastes like hatred to me. I feel most comfortable when surrounded by psychopaths. I know my ABCs and eat crayons. Standing up makes me angry. I’ve had diarrhea of the mouth since I was a toddler. Reality is fake news. Everyone appreciates my golfing miracles. I haven’t had any strokes yet today. I have a uterus in my throat that gives birth to cruelty every time I open my mouth. I like people, but I don’t. Ippy iffy kicky patty. My tax returns are on Mars and the Space Force will retrieve them next year. Drinking bleach cures cancer. I have never eaten a vegetable, but I have a rug made out of my pubic hair. Melania eats my ear wax. The future of electricity is boogers. The Internet invented me. Bling blang blue fiddle pop scram. Look, look, look, look, this is important, let me tell you, quickly, that there are tremendous violent hurricanes made by agitators—more than one, many of them—and there are not peaceful protests in Democratic cities except for my supporters, the fantastic MAGA people, they’re related to leprechauns—some people call them midgets, I call them leprechauns—who make Lucky Charms from pots of gold at the end of the rainbow people, the gays and queers, I love them, nobody loves gays and queers more than I do which is why I want to build a wall around them, a wall made out of dingleberries, tremendous dingleberries, dingleberries people can be proud of when the looters get shot in North Korea, which is being hurt by Chinese tariffs, just like Iowa corn and Kentucky bourbon. I don’t drink because my brother died of covfefe before Crooked Hillary stole my mind. She needs to be locked up to save suburban women from being raped by killer clowns spraying tear gas and firing paint balls at agitators. Now my hands are itchy and my crotch smells like hands, stubby finger sandwiches, some people call them whore derves, I call them whirling dildos providing security for MAGA leprechauns living next to low-income housing projects eating trillions of jobs even though I made Wall Street the best economy in history, so good, the very best, nobody could have made an economy like I did, the best economy, no one thought it was possible, they said “You must be crazy,” but my doctor said I passed the SATs through my colon faster than anyone has ever done it, and there was no one who wanted more than I wanted when I wanted it because of how great I am and how much my brain can think per minute about law and order and fake fakeness and fake fake fake and the dark shadows in Joe Biden’s basement, the men in black who are under investigation, I can’t talk about it, it’s classified by Russia who told me All Lives Matter almost as much as a three-foot putt, but white lives matter more, they suck up to me at my rallies which are yuge, no one has rallies as big as mine, mine are the biggest since Nuremberg, I am the greatest best that no one has ever…
