“Every conception I’ve ever had has been shattered.” I turned to Eliene and continued, “But I need those conceptions in this world even if they’re not true. There’s nothing true that could replace them so what I need is functional, useful truths.” I asked my most pressing question. “What did you mean when you mentioned the Elders?” El relaxed her shoulders a bit and turned away, looking across the living room, probably at nothing, but perhaps the black-and-white abstract on the far wall. “You thought of them as elders. I’ve encountered them before, but I thought of them as travelers. Others I know who have smoked DMT called them gods, aliens, wanderers, and so on. Whatever the name, the encounters are similar. I had a sense you were there with me or that I was with you. And I knew you thought of them as elders even though I had always called them travelers. Were you thinking of them as elders?”
I had been, but not while I was under the effects of DMT. “I thought of them as Elders only when you were under the effects of DMT. Not before then.” El looked back at me. “Hmmm, that’s intriguing.” And incomprehensible. “I’m not sure what to make of that, Ellie.” She shook her head. “I’m trying not to make anything of it. I’ve never had an experience like that. It felt … out of body.” I was a little freaked. “I think I need to smoke some pot.” El looked at me more intently. “Are you sure you want to do that right now?” Why would she ask that? She must have seen the question on my face. “I mean, if you want to go ahead, but I …” she trailed off. “What?” She took a deep breath and continued. “We’re so close right now.”
I put my arm around Ellie’s shoulders and pulled her closer. “I see. I feel some anxiety right now. Maybe confusion. Your experience, what you've said about being together while you were in a trance, it's so far outside the realm of what I consider possible.” She scoffed at me. “After what you experienced earlier?! True, but … that was elsewhere; this was here. “My head’s spinning, El.” We weren’t as close together as she thought. My concerns were building walls around me. “I’m trying to stay open, but when you came out of your trance and said that I’ve been in shock. It's disconcerting because it's not what I experienced. I wasn't aware of you being with me there ... wherever 'there' was ... or is.” El considered this and said, “It’s unfamiliar, I know, but that doesn’t mean it didn't happen or that it's a threat. If anything it's a welcoming, Michael.”
I couldn’t shake it, though. Certain levels of vulnerability I could handle, but this? “I feel … exposed. My experiences with extreme levels of vulnerability haven’t been pleasant. It shouldn’t feel that way with you, but I do. I don’t like that it does, and I feel, I don't know, ashamed? I don't like that I'm pulling away. I'm trying not do that, but there's something powerful within me that is, fuck, frightened.” El sunk back into the couch and sighed. After some time she looked at me intently. “I don’t know what to say. It’s happened. There’s no going back. You’re going to have to deal with these things.” Huh. That was why I was in Amsterdam, right? There was something about this, though, that cut deeper than other wounds, other fears.
“I’ve suffered plenty of traumas throughout life. I’ve been growing in trust, but this is a level I didn’t expect to encounter. It violates so many of my core beliefs about the world, about what is, about what could be. Down deep?” I looked at Ellie with sadness. “Down deep I don’t trust what is outside of me. It’s dangerous. It had been, anyway. I’m trying to change that, but this might be a lifelong process rather than something I can fix in a day or a week or even a year. I really don’t know. I feel like I need decades of unrelenting love to counteract the decades of pain and alienation.”
Ellie crept up to me and put her arms around my neck. She brought her face close to mine, her lips so close I could taste her breath, her eyes almost inside my own. “Then you should be happy, Michael. Have I given you anything but love since we met?” I shook my head as tears streamed down my cheeks. “Just think how much more love there is for you that you haven’t experienced.” How was she so young? Despite my increasing openness, I had not been able to separate age from wisdom. Why shouldn’t I meet Mozarts of affection? My wounded self screamed, “How many Mozarts do you think there are, Einstein? What are the odds of you meeting even one?” I had to shake such notions, internalized ideas of genius and love. Ellie defied my past experiences. She hadn't been the only one, either. A bright possibility emerged: Maybe it was because I was experiencing so much acceptance, affection, and kindness that I was able to lower my guard even this far. Ellie offered an even deeper degree of possibility. Perhaps this was precisely how healing occurs.
“How many times have you smoked DMT, Ellie?” Instead of answering, she kissed me, a kiss that lingered, a kiss that relaxed tensions, a kiss that disabled motor functions as I rolled back on the couch, Ellie following me with her lips and body until we were lying horizontally on the couch, my arms unable to move, one dangling over the side, the other dormant between my body and the couch. My eyes were closed and my lips were barely moving in response to hers. She pulled her lips away and just as I was about to catch my breath, open my eyes, and regain my senses, her lips came down on mine again and without intention I abandoned myself.
We kissed for an hour. I was even able to move my arms at one point. The only reason we stopped was because we were thirsty. I couldn’t get off the couch, though, so Ellie went to the kitchen to get water. My lips were puffy, tender, swollen. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been locked in kisses for so long. Then again I couldn’t remember much of anything after kissing and being kissed so slowly, compassionately, and intimately.
I managed to sit up by the time Ellie returned. She handed me a glass and, as I drank it, she straddled me. My view while drinking was of her eyes looking down at me. Even drinking water had become sensuous. She took the glass from me when I finished and leaned back to place it on the coffee table. She managed to do this by clamping her legs around hips. I was going to ask Ellie something, but watching her body tilt back and twist made me forget everything else I hadn’t forgotten.
I placed my hand on her stomach as she began to pull herself upright. Feeling her abdominal muscles untwist and contract electrified my hand and sent shivers through my body. It was like touching a belly dancer while she danced. El put her arms on either side of my head, resting her elbows on my shoulders, and she leaned forward to rest her head against my neck. I wrapped my arms around her and held her. I felt her body moving while she breathed. I felt no tension in her body. As aroused as I was, I didn’t feel sexual. I didn’t give it much thought, though; I just held her against my body so I could continue feeling her breathe.
Time passed and I let go, simply allowing Ellie’s weight and warmth to seep into me. When she finally shifted and pulled back it felt like part of myself had been ripped away. I let out a cry that must have sounded awkward because El laughed. “Come on, we need food.” She rose up and began walking toward the kitchen. She looked back and when she saw I hadn’t moved she stopped. “You don’t want to eat?” I looked at her helplessly. “It’s not that. I just … I can’t seem to move.” El shook her head, smiling and laughing at me as she walked back. She grabbed my nearest hand with both of hers and pulled. I tried to do my part, but my body felt like a wet noodle. “Michael, come on!” That made me laugh and the ripples of laughter seemed to send the right type of impulses to the muscles in my body.
I managed to get up with her help, but I was wobbly and weak-kneed. She led me by the hand to the kitchen while keeping an eye on me, presumably so I wouldn’t fall. She sat me on a chair at the dining room table then went to the fridge. She came back with a bowl of mixed berries. She plucked a blueberry and plopped it into my mouth before going back to the living room to grab the water glasses. She took them to the kitchen to fill them as I ate a few berries then brought them to the table and sat down. We sat together silently, eating berries and drinking water. El fed me a few and though placing a berry on her tongue was appealing, I couldn’t manage to make myself move in such a complicated fashion. Perhaps if I had looked away from her it would have been possible, but I couldn’t bring myself to look away. The thought alone was painful.
Ellie never took her eyes off of me and I knew that only because I never took my eyes off of her. When she finally did it was only to take the bowl to the sink and rinse it. I watched her move as she did, admiring every step she took, every twist of her hips, the way she reached for the faucet, the way her hair flopped down as she bent slightly to swirl water around the bowl, and the way she turned, almost in slow motion, to walk back to the kitchen table after she put down the bowl, her eyes blinking once before shifting toward me and flickering subtly when her eyes focused on mine.
As she approached my heart beat faster. She reached out her hand and I managed to place mine in hers. She tugged gently and I stood up as she turned away, following behind her as she walked toward the stairs. She tilted her head back and up at me just before stepping onto the first step, her eyes meeting mine again. The moment lasted a moment, but that image of her eyes tilted up at mine were all I saw while climbing the stairs.
Once we were beside the bed she undressed as I watched. I still couldn’t get the image of her eyes out of my mind so it was as if I was watching two scenes at once, each of them mesmerizing in their own way. She was graceful undressing without even trying to be. I couldn’t move. If had I had moved I would have missed one of her movements; I didn’t want to risk missing anything she did. When she stood up fully naked and looked into my eyes again the image of her eyes tilted up at mine disappeared, perhaps only to make way for seeing them as fully as possible in this moment.
She stepped to me and lifted my shirt over my head. I raised my arms to help. The brief moment when I couldn’t see or feel her made me feel lost, a moment excruciating pain. When I regained sight of her I forgot I had ever lost her. Her eyes were soft and her facial expression motionless. She continued looking into my eyes, somehow with my eyes, as she unbuckled my belt, unzipped my pants, and pulled them down. She pulled back the comforter and sheet then turned me to sit on the bed, gently pushing me back until I was lying down. I kept my head up so I could see her as she completely removed my pants, socks, and underwear.
She motioned for me to move my head toward the pillows and I managed to do that mostly on my own, possibly because I was able to keep my eyes on her while I did. She climbed into bed beside me and pulled the covers up to our chests. She lowered herself partially on my chest and shoulder, over my arm, turning her hips into mine and sliding her top leg over my nearest leg, nuzzling the side of her upper thigh against my crotch, the sensation unbearably pleasurable. Her skin was silky and warm; her pubic hair soft against my hip, lightly moving in circles on my pelvic bone. I occasionally felt moistness as she pulled in her stomach while moving, her pubis tilting upward while her legs spread slightly to touch my skin intimately with her vulnerability.
Throughout those movements our eyes remained fixed on one another’s. My breathing, rather than intensifying, became more relaxed and regular. Other than moving my hand behind her head to massage her scalp, I didn’t move. I noticed again, briefly, that I was fully erect, but I lost awareness of that as quickly as I noticed it. Ellie's face and body occupied my attention. I felt her nipple lightly move across my own, tickling me slightly while making me feel ever more intertwined with her. With her eyes open she slid her body a few inches up mine and, all at once, I felt a seismic shift that caused me to gasp.
As I exhaled almost completely, Ellie brought her lips down on mine and sucked the last of my breath into her mouth. Her lips explored mine and I felt increasingly dizzy. My body went limp—with one exception—as I fell away from Ellie’s lips and sucked in a massive breath. As soon as I had, her lips were on mine again. My lips felt full, puffy. They had threatened to become chapped while we kissed on the couch, but the water and the berries rejuvenated them.
We kissed timelessly with Ellie occasionally exploring my face, neck, and shoulders with her cheeks, hair, and lips as I slid my hands over her back, shoulders, neck, and head. When I ran my fingers through her hair, the emotions I felt were subtle, almost imperceptible; my focus was on her and I felt only what she created through her movements, her touch, her eyes. Hours presumably passed as we were enmeshed in these ways. I wasn’t aware of when my consciousness lapsed into sleepy dreams of kissing, embracing, and looking into her eyes.
