Dating Advice

“Haven’t you been sleeping with a lot of men who don’t really care about you?”

That’s probably not something you should ask a woman on a first date … unless you want to have a rollicking good time! Go for it! It ain’t gonna work out anyway so you may as well have some fun. Here are few other things you might want to say or do:

Ask her for a list of references.

When she’s talking to you make eye contact and then slowly lower your gaze to her mouth. Squint your eyes a little and then widen them while opening your mouth slightly. Do this repeatedly until she asks, “What?” Look back into her eyes and then quickly look away. Tell her, while looking away, “No, no, there’s nothing wrong.” Glance back at her mouth again and wince. If she does nothing and you happen to be at a restaurant yell out to the waiter, “Check!”

Refuse to speak … at all. Never break eye contact or change facial expressions. If you begin by smiling, remain smiling; if you begin with a blank expression, then continue holding that blank expression. When she threatens to leave or begins to get up to leave, start laughing and say, “No, no, no, stay, please. I was just fucking with you. I’m sorry, I made a bet with my friend about how long it would take you to get frustrated or freaked out by me. You did pretty good, a lot better than the last woman I dated. I mean, we still had sex that night so, trust me, the date’s not a bust yet.”

“Could you unbutton your blouse a little more? I’m not getting any cleavage from this angle.”

“You’re incredibly beautiful, way out of my league. So … what’s wrong with you? I mean, you’re out on a date with me and, by looks alone, you could do way better than me. Are you an ex-con or a drug addict? Do you think I have money and will spend it on you? There’s gotta be a catch here somewhere.”

“I know this might seem a little unusual, but could you take off your shoes so I could look at your toes?”

“Hi, I’m Chad. My cock is huge.”

“You don’t really look like the type of woman who would go out with a guy.”

Conversely, if you’re a woman, “I’m sort of getting an ‘I’d rather be sucking dick right now’ vibe from you.”

“To become one, one must start with we; to become we, one must start with one. Wait a minute … oh shit, that doesn’t make any sense at all. It’s sort of like a chicken or egg thing, I guess. What I meant to say was ‘Do you wanna fuck?’”

“I don’t really like women, but you’re even worse than the others.”

“I’m like, totally flexible. I can toe my asshole while standing on one leg.”

“Do you want to have children some day? Before you answer that question let me just say that I think you would be a horrible mother.”

“I’m looking for a woman who is willing to breast feed a grown man. I don’t mean me; I have a mongoloid brother and he only takes milk from the teat. Momma died last year so it’s been a while since he’s gotten any calcium.”

“I have AIDS … no, no, I’m kidding! Ha! Sorry, thought it was funny. But seriously, I have AIDS. Ha! Got you again! Whew, that never gets old.”

“I don’t think you’re attractive at all. I’m willing to have sex with you tonight, but strictly out of pity.”

“You may think I’m immature, but you should meet my parents. Oh, yeah, they’re sitting over there at the other table. They're watching us date tonight. Hi, Mom! Isn’t she hot?”

“How often do you think about death?”

“Are you open to abortions? I only ask because I hate condoms.”

“I believe in being open with women I’m dating so I’m just going to let you know that once I have you hooked I’m going to stop bathing and brushing my teeth.”

“Do you mind if I smell your armpits?”

“I like a woman with large areolas. I’m a trusting guy so I’ll take you on your word, but I’d like you to tell me roughly what your circumference is. I find circumference is a better measure than diameter because of the possibility of oddly shaped areolas. I found out the hard way one time when a woman gave me the diameter of the largest distance between one side of her areola with the other, but when she took her bra off they were misshapen and it was pretty obvious she’d given me the maximum diameter measurement rather than the minimum or an average. So, yeah, I go with circumference now. I’m into math, too, just in case you didn’t notice. Means I’m smart.”

“At what age can I expect your breasts to sag?”

“You seem really nice. ‘Nice,” by the way, is a euphemism for ‘boring.’ Seriously, pick it up because I’m about to fall asleep over here.”

“You know how they say ‘nice guys finish last’? I just want you to know that I will treat you like shit cause I know women like that sort of thing.”

“Are you into rough sex? I don’t mean rape … unless you’re into that.”

“Do you trim or wax? Personally, I like a really hairy bush. I mean really hairy, like, if you got extensions that would really turn me on.”

“Do you expect orgasms during sex? If you do we may as well just call it a night.”

“I’ve never seen a woman eat like you do. It must be a cultural thing. Do you come from a third world country?”

“You’re not my dream girl, but I’d enjoy fucking you until I meet her.”

“Personally, I think giving women the right to vote was a huge mistake.”

“Judging by your character, I think you probably evolved from dung beetles.”

“You know, I was just looking around the room and I realized that I’m with the ugliest woman here. Hey, at least you stick out, right?”

“I don’t really think kicking puppies should be considered animal cruelty. What is the definition of ‘cruelty,’ anyway? Pretty subjective, right?”

“I don’t think anyone will ever love you.”

“Oh, wow, that waiter behind you just made a gagging gesture and pointed at you. I’d kick his ass right now if I really liked you. The truth is, I kinda agree with him.”

Surprisingly, some of these approaches work. If you’re single, what you’re going to want to do is find a woman with low self-esteem. She’ll be easy to manipulate. Believe me, the last thing you want in your life is a strong-willed woman with a lot of confidence. If you go that route you’ll have to step up your game because she’ll be expecting you to perform at a certain level. I don’t mean sexually (although, yes, sexually). No, I mean you’re going to have to constantly work to retain her affection for you. She will not give it to you willingly. Strong women are modern women and they expect you to earn your keep—your keep in this case being care and affection, sex and fun. You will not have care, affection, fun, or sex unless you make her happy in all of the ways she wants to be happy before she will throw you a scrap of gnarled meat she was going to throw in the trash. The strong woman is like a CEO at a multinational corporation. Unless you’re constantly increasing revenues and providing record profits in relation to the things she likes you are getting bubkis. She will not willingly give you anything … except an ulcer.

You want a passive women who is looking to please you. If you want to be challenged try mixed martial arts or a triathlon. Do not look for a challenge from a strong woman! She will kick your ass at everything! I don’t care how tough a guy you are, a strong woman will eventually break you. It’s as inevitable as the sun rising.

If you’re a strong woman, you want to look for a man or a woman with low self-esteem. You do not want to go toe to toe with your own kind. You can try the challenge if you like, but as it is when two alpha males enter a competition, only one remains an alpha. You could come out on top of a relationship with a strong woman, but you may not be stronger for it. Even if you win, you will likely take some punishment in the process. That will weaken you the next time you get into a relationship. And if you lose, well, be prepared to join the ranks of the weak. Expect to be serving dinner every night when your man or woman comes home from work, expect to be put down on a regular basis, and expect your pride to completely vanish. No, you won’t be humbled; you’ll be humiliated.

It could be said that strong women are at the top of the evolutionary food chain. It could be said, but that would be wrong. No, up at the top are gay men because they don’t have to worry about these things at all. A gay man knows what another gay man wants: a lot of sex. Gay men are the only truly compatible partners in the human race. Lesbians? Please. I just relayed the Theory of the Strong Woman as developed and explained by Luce Irigaray, Joyce Carol Oates, and Gloria Steinem. What, you thought those were my ideas? Are you kidding me? You think I want strong women coming after me to kick my ass verbally, legally, socially, and in all the other ways they could kick my ass? No way! I believe the Theory of the Strong Woman is correct. I don’t want to fuck with strong women. I know strong women; I’d be a fool to trifle with them! Please, strong women of the world, have mercy on me. It is not I who gave away your secrets, but your own kind, the alpha women of the alpha women! Please, spare me!

That’s it. I’m becoming a gay man. I could inadvertently date a strong woman without realizing it—strong women can be clever, deceptive, and manipulative … according to the Theory! Not my words!—and then suffer immensely for the rest of my life. I can’t chance that. I may not be innately sexually attracted to other men, but I’ll make it work. It’s worth the effort … according to the Theory, of course.