January 1: Arrived in Morocco by yacht. Anchored. Slept in sun.
January 2: Set sail from Morocco to west coast of Italy.
January 3: Sailing.
January 4: Arrive on coast of Italy. Anchored. Went to shore in Napoli.
January 5: Stayed with poor family in slums of Napoli. Washed clothes in lieu of payment.
January 6: Fell in love with neighbor girl, a sexy Italian woman with long auburn hair.
January 7: Gisella, my Italian love, invited me to leave Napoli. I rode on the back of her Vespa through the hills of the countryside.
January 8: Gisella and I let the wind whip through our hair, our hair which became one head of hair. We are in love.
January 9: Gisella and I arrived in a small hill town in central Italy. The townspeople welcomed us and celebrated with a festival.
January 10: After a night of revelry with our new friends, Gisella and I awoke to discover we had been formally married by a shaman ordained by the Universal Life Church.
January 11: We participated in rituals involving dancing and twirling. We spent the day in another realm.
January 12: We awoke refreshed and ate heartily thanks to our hosts. We rode north out of town on Gisella's Vespa.
January 13: In Bologna we stopped at a bed and breakfast. An elderly couple made us pancakes that tasted like steak and potatoes.
January 14: We spent the day with the elderly couple and learned how to knit sweaters.
January 15: We were asked to leave Bologna by ominous men dressed in Armani suits. I rode on the back of the Vespa as Gisella drove into the cold of Switzerland.
January 16:We stopped in Zurich. Children sprinkled rose petals at our feet as we ate fondue.
January 17: Gisella told me she no longer loved me. She left on her Vespa. I wandered the streets lonely and cold.
January 18: I awoke in a public square. The streets were empty. I was cold and alone.
January 19: I bought some warm clothes and returned to the square. I contemplated my experiences. My thoughts were dead weight.
January 20: I sat next to a statue in the square most of the morning before getting a bite to eat. I returned to the statue early afternoon. Pilgrims came to me in the evening to pray for healings. I stared absent-mindedly and waited for them to leave.
January 21: I awoke next to the statue. There was a large group surrounding me, all of them holding lit candles and chanting.
January 22: I yawned a lot throughout the day. Witnesses interpreted my repeated yawning as a sacred ritual.
January 23: At noon I stood and walked through the crowd; they gasped in awe as I left the square.
January 24: I wandered out of Zurich, down snow-covered dirt roads. I slept in a ditch. It was wet and cold. I shivered all night.
January 25: I woke to a dog licking my face. A teenager helped me to my feet. He invited me to his family's home and they gave me food to eat.
January 26: I ate well at the country house. The family put me to work milking cows on their farm.
January 27: The cows died during the night. The family chased me with pitchforks until I was a half-mile down the road. I was saddened; I didn't do anything wrong.
January 28: I hitched a ride to a town called Baden-Baden in the Black Forest of Germany. A wealthy couple welcomed me to their hotel. We bathed together in the hot baths.
January 29: We bathed together in hot baths.
January 30: We bathed together in hot baths.
January 31: I left Baden-Baden and headed east. I hitched a ride to Neuschwanstein.
January 32: I was told there would be an extra two days of January this year by a farmer who told me he knew me in another life. He spoke only in Deutsch but I understood him perfectly even though I only speak and understand English, Spanish, and a little Dutch. He invited me to sleep in his barn.
January 33: I awoke to discover I spoke fluent German. The farmer stood in the doorway with his arm around an elf who wore a suit made out of marbles and goat hair.
February 1: I played with the elf in the barn. I could still speak German.
February 2: I left Neuschwanstein with the elf. We took a train to Salzburg.
February 3: My elf friend and I signed up for a Sound of Music tour. We tied up the tour guide and I filled in for him. I made up stories about the Von Trapp family.
February 4: My success as a tour guide led to a job offer. I accepted and led another tour.
February 5: I was fired as a guide after having sex with a Russian tourist at the Mirabell Gardens. I said goodbye to my elf friend and took a train to Vienna.
February 6: I checked into a posh hotel and spent the day in the bar. I espoused Frankfurt School critical theory to Japanese business travelers.
February 7: The Japanese business men asked me to teach them more about life as they had only ever known about financial markets.
February 8: I led the Japanese business men by train to Berlin. I found an empty apartment and we squatted in it that night.
February 9: As squatters, we began networking with other international squatters and vagabonds. We rummaged through garbage for food.
February 10: I told the Japanese men that they had snatched the pebble from my hand. I left them to fend for themselves.
February 11: I hitchhiked to Köln. I went to the Cathedral. I stared in awe at the ceiling 400 feet above.
February 12: Enraptured, I remained in communion with Köln's Cathedral ceiling. I saw myself in another life.
February 13: I dug a hole in the floor of the confessional and began tunneling to The Netherlands.
February 14: Tunneled.
February 15: Tunneled.
February 16: Tunneled.
February 17: Tunneled.
February 18: Tunneled.
February 19: Tunneled
February 20: Tunneled.
February 21: I tunneled to the surface. I was in Arnhem. I mourned the dead from World War II.
February 22: I swam in a canal. It was freezing. A boater picked me up.
February 23: I took a train to Amsterdam. I ate bitterballen at Cafe Molenpad on the Prinsengracht.
February 24: A fire-haired woman briefly fell in love with me until she realized I wasn't Greek. She slapped me and told me I was despicable.
February 25: I wandered through the Van Gogh Museum and got lost in a field of yellow ochre sunflowers.
February 26: I am in sunflower bliss.
February 27: I am in sunflower bliss.
February 28: I am in sunflower bliss.
March 1: I awoke in Frederiksplein. I sat on a bench most of the day.
March 2: Left Amsterdam by bus to the small town of Edam. Children filled the streets skipping, singing, and laughing.
March 3: No one in the town is older than 10. There is an even split between boys and girls. They all smile happily and care for one another.
March 4: I awoke in Edam as a fresh, spritely 10 year old boy. I had a younger sister who was six years old. We sang and skipped about the streets with all the other children.
March 5: When I arose I was no longer a boy. I was a middle-aged man. The streets were filled with middle-aged men and women. They slumped about town frowning and complaining about being neither young nor old.
March 6: Same as the previous day.
March 7: Everyone in town began aging incredibly fast. I bought a wheelchair and left Edam.
March 8: On my way to Den Haag, a Moroccan immigrant stopped to give me a ride. He laid hands on me and I could walk again. I then remembered I could always walk. I thanked the gentleman and told him I would walk.
March 9: I walked.
March 10: I arrived in the resort town of Scheveningen. I drank champagne with a white-haired woman in her 20s. She invited me to her hotel room.
March 11: The white-haired woman could not speak. She blinked to communicate. Her eyes changed colors after each blink.
March 12: I loved the white-haired woman. She kicked me out of her hotel room.
March 13: I caught a bus to Den Haag. I put all my belongings, including the clothes I had been wearing, in a locker. I walked naked to the International War Crimes Tribunal to make an accusation against every U.S. president throughout history. Each of them had committed crimes against humanity during their respective administrations. I was summarily dismissed by IWCT functionaries who escorted me off the premises. I reclaimed my clothes and belongings from the locker.
March 14: I took a train to the Rotterdam airport and stayed in a boring hotel.
March 15: I flew to Rome.
March 16: At the airport in Rome I met a woman who claimed to be Gisella's cousin. She wore a white dress and had the same beautiful auburn hair as Gisella. Her name was Calista. We went club hopping all night
March 17: Calista and I awoke in a comfy bed in an apartment. We pulled sheets around us and walked into the kitchen. The residents did not know us and wondered why we were there. We told them we were still tired and would leave in a few hours. We went back to bed and made love. We slept the rest of the day, woke, and made love again before falling asleep for the night.
March 18: I woke alone in bed. I took a shower. Calista was in the kitchen making omelets with Gisella. We ate together and while Calista was cleaning the dishes Gisella led me to the bedroom. We made love. The apartment residents came into the bedroom to ask us when we were going to leave. Gisella threatened to kill them and they left. We made love again.
March 19: I awoke in an alley, alone and cold.
March 20: When will it be spring? It's cold. I move from my spot in the alley to warm myself in a half-filled dumpster.
March 21: I woke up and everyone else in the world had died. That was the sense I got. I walked to a cafe and discovered I was wrong. I went home with the barista.
March 22: I slept with the barista's wife. He asked me to do it. I obliged.
March 23: I woke with the barista's wife's head resting on my chest, heaving up and down as I breathed. I never left bed.
March 24: I left bed. I kissed the barista's wife as I left the apartment. I wanted to see if there were other people in the world still alive outside Rome so I went to the airport.
March 25: I flew to Vancouver, British Columbia. A Chinese man talked me into his cab and we drove around the city in silence all night.
March 26: The cabbie dropped me off at customs at the U.S. border. I was allowed to cross into the U.S. but only after being strip-searched and verbally harassed.
March 27: I took a bus to Seattle. I met a fishmonger at Pike Place. He gave me a job scaling fish ... with my teeth.
March 28: Scaled fish with my teeth.
March 29: Scaled fish with my teeth.
March 30: Scaled fish with my teeth.
March 31: Scaled fish with my teeth.
April 1: I played an April Fool's Day joke on the fishmonger. I gave the fish to the poor and the poor multiplied.
April 2: I was fired as a fish scaler. The fishmonger went out of business as I had given away all his fish. The poor were still eating well, though.
April 3: I left the city. I "borrowed" an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile to drive to Portland.
April 4: When I arrived in Portland a skate rat slashed my tires. He screamed, "Stop driving and save the Earth!"
April 5: After sleeping in the Weinermobile I woke and went to a vegan restaurant. I ate lentils and dirt scraped from the hooves of dead swine.
April 6: I hung out in a dumpster behind the Belmont Inn. I ate stale fries and onion rings.
April 7: I walked toward Mount Tabor with some empty cigarette packs I had found in the dumpster. I hung out in the park pretending to smoke until I fell asleep.
April 8: A young woman with dreads stood within four feet of me all day but refused to make eye contact or talk with me.
April 9: I left the park on Mount Tabor with the woman in dreads in tow. I walked into a house that was unlocked and made some coffee. I set a cup in front of the dreadlocked woman. She stared at it for hours.
April 10: We slept at the empty house. When a family of four came home we left.
April 11: The dread woman and I hitched a ride to Salem. She still wouldn't talk with me but she accidentally made eye contact on the drive down and shrieked. The driver almost lost control of the car.
April 12: We petitioned the state government to abolish the need for breathing as a means to live. The clerk who took the petition told us we had to get signatures for the petition to be effective.
April 13: We bathed nude in public fountains.
April 14: After spending a night in jail for bathing nude in public fountains, I took a bus south toward California. The woman with dreads refused to leave her jail cell.
April 15: I arrived in Berkeley in the morning. I caused a commotion at the Boalt Hall School of Law by refusing to enroll in any classes for the following semester.
April 16: I woke on the grounds of the University of California campus. A professor of literature gave me a vegan sandwich.
April 17: I met John Yoo, the former Bush administration advocate for torture. He was passing himself off as a professor of law. He propositioned me for sex.
April 18: I spent the night with John Yoo. His house was covered with photos of himself with his cats.
April 19: I woke up at John Yoo's again. I noticed that there was a photo of a young John Yoo at a bar with Jeffrey Dahmer. They had their arms around one another's shoulders. They were smiling. I was creeped out so I left.
April 20: I walked to the hills of Berkeley and met a guy driving an art car, a VW van. It was painted orange and encrusted with diamonds. He told me they were real, that he had worked in a diamond mine in the 70s and had smuggled thousands of diamonds out of Africa when he left. He said he'd been on the run from the Jewish mafia for decades. I privately wondered how driving around in a diamond encrusted van helped his cause.
April 21: I stayed in the diamond VW and when we awoke the next day, the "Magic Man," as he called himself, drove to L.A. He parked outside a movie studio and we slept in the van again.
April 22: I woke up and the Magic Man was dressing in a 70s-era orange suit. We got out of the van and walked onto the studio lot. A security guard saw the Magic Man and waved at him. We walked to a trailer and he knocked. A woman's voice said, "Come in!" We went inside and the Magic Man introduced me to Natalie Portman. I was surprised to see that she was less than two feet tall. She smiled at me but I could only tell when I looked through the magnifying glass the Magic Man had given me.
April 23: Natalie asked me to take her out on a date. I said sure. I took her to Davendra Banhart's pad and we all ate chick peas.
April 24: I slept with Natalie. The sex was awkward as we were of incompatible sizes. Natalie later kicked me out of the house after I made out with Davendra. I thought it was unfair; we were the same size.
April 25: I took a bus to Phoenix, Arizona. I slept in an abandoned lot next to a Mormon church.
April 26: I woke and looked at the nearby church. There were men dressed in black suits and dark shades. They had ear pieces. I wondered if they were part of the Secret Service, if the U.S. president was coming for a visit. When I asked a plain clothed man walking by on the street he informed me that they were Mormon security guards. He didn't seem to think it was unusual that they were dressed like the U.S. Secret Service. As I stood watching the ominous men I thought how weird it was that no one ever questioned the name "Secret Service," as if it was totally reasonable for an organization to be named the "Secret Service." I felt a chill run up my spine.
April 27: I married a Mormon's daughter. Technically, I was still married to Gisella, but I figured she was a Mormon so it was okay. After our ceremony, she converted to despondency to demonstrate her fealty to me.
April 28: I divorced the Mormon's daughter. She was becoming giddy with excitement and I wanted nothing to do with it.
April 29: I went to the airport and flew to Denver. I went to a restaurant and ordered the omelet named after the city.
April 30: I flew from Denver to Mexico City. I was elected mayor and sworn into office by midnight.
May 1: My first act as the mayor of Mexico City was to declare war on the War on Drugs.
May 2: I began planning strategy with local law enforcement for the War on War on Drugs. Meanwhile, the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency had declared a War on War on War on Drugs.
May 3: I held a press conference. I said, "This is silly. While I want to declare a War on War on War on War on Drugs I think that both sides will begin to become confused. Ten days from now we may have a War on War on War on War on War on War on War on War on War on War on War on War on War on War on Drugs. Who will know which side is which? How many departments and agencies will we and the United States have to develop to conduct all of these different wars? There would be conflicts between those fighting the War on War on War on War on Drugs and those fighting the War on War on War on War on War on War on Drugs. We can't have that. I am calling off the War on War on Drugs." The DEA continued its War on War on War on Drugs. They received a very substantial budget increase to fight a war against a fiction.
May 4: I resigned as mayor of Mexico City. I told the people, "My work here is done. Everything's going great. There's no need for government any more. Have a nice day."
May 5: I watched Cinco de Mayo celebrations with an orphan. He was 36 years old, but his parents were dead.
May 6: I flew from Mexico City to Reykjavik. I thought the city was lovely. I decided to call the city my home.
May 7 to now: I have been living in Reykjavik. I have not traveled since May 6. That is why I haven't made any new travel journal entries. The journal is over. I am happily living in Reykjavik. I am writing another journal about my life in Reykjavik ... so this journal is finished. Why are you still reading? It's over! Geesh.
No comments:
Post a Comment