Mole People

Let me just say that I am openly against the Mole People coming to power. It may not be politically correct—"All citizens have the right to run for public office, even the hideous offspring of the freaks who copulate with moles"—but I believe “above-grounders” are simply a better species, one more capable of leading all of us into the next millennium and beyond. We can make globalization work through the air and the sea and over the surface of the land. We do not need to ship anything through underground tunnels where the Mole People could easily commit acts of terrorism against vulnerable, but essential, transports.

I also find the idea of converting dirt into air quite filthy. Call me “old school” but I like breathing air existing naturally within our atmosphere. I don’t need these alternative conversions of dirt into energy with oxygen as the dominant byproduct. How is that even possible? There’s no way that’s possible. Yet, I’m supposed to trust “under-grounders,” strap my face to a tube, and hope that I get oxygen instead of a swarm of bees unleashed down my throat? I don’t think so.

I haven’t even mentioned the giant worm orgies, the fecal-friendly androgynous sex scene, or the armpit-sniffing crew. These lifestyles, I’m sorry, I cannot abide. I am flabbergasted by these whippersnappers. They are nothing but a bunch of guttersnipes. Furry rodent creatures pretending to be just like us? They Are Not Like Us!!! I’m sick of it! I will not idly stand by as the Mole People build technologically advanced super-communities connected by a vast but secret military infrastructure!

These creatures want to wreak havoc, rape our women, abduct our children, and enslave our men! Who will stand up to the Mole People? Who will drive them back underground?! Who will destroy their infrastructure?!! Who will exploit them as cheap labor?!!!

Let us advance now to weed them out! They sit on vast untapped resources, they have first-hand knowledge of middle earth, and they can withstand great heat and bitter cold. But they can’t handle the sun. We must use light against the resistors. Underground mirrors, electric lights, pyrotechnics, blind them out of their communal holes, isolate them in their endless tunnels, capture them, beat them, enslave them, work them, whip them, degrade them, torture them, kill them!

They will overwhelm us soon if we do not act quickly. They are draining the government coffers, thriving on welfare, free education and health care, food stamps, public housing, government break after government break. Why are we doing this? So the Mole People can be better prepared to dominate us? Oh, sure, you say they are friendly, just like us, that it’s just their culture and traditions that are different. Well, yeah. That’s my point. Fucking giant worms and drinking the menstrual blood of virgins are cultural differences I can do without, you know what I’m saying?! Besides, THEY ARE A DIFFERENT FUCKING SPECIES!!!

Some say they’re extraterrestrials, from somewhere else in the universe, that they can change shapes and the color of their fur. The point is, they are reproducing and thriving underneath the earth’s surface. They are threatening our way of life. If we do not kill them, they will kill us. There’s no question.

There’s a theory going around that they’re magic, that they’re immortal. We couldn’t kill them even if we wanted to slaughter them. I say bullshit. Let’s try to fuck these things up at least. If we can’t kill them, so be it. At least we tried. The world’s full of fucking quitters. I just … I fucking hate everyone who thinks the Mole People are “one of us.” They should be rounded up with the rodents and shot. I’m just … flabbergasted!

I’m getting all worked up now. See how you got me going there? That ain’t right. That ain’t right!