Will You Please Stop Staring at My Crotch?

Will you please stop staring at my crotch? I’m up here, okay?

You get that a lot from women, don’t you?

Far too often. They’re always looking for the bulge in the pants. The only time I get any peace is when I wear baggy sweats. Even in my baggy jeans I “show.” That’s all women think about. “Huh, huh, huh, he’s got a penis, huh, huh, huh.” Grow up! Would it kill women to develop more complex emotions?

It’s not really their fault, though. It’s how they’re wired. It’s the estrogen. It makes them horny all the time. They think about sex constantly.

*Sigh* I suppose you’re right, but it’s no excuse. They should learn how to curb their emotions so they can be more respectful of me. I’m not just a cock and a pair of balls, you know?

Look, I hear you. I mean, I’m not as, uh, well-endowed as you, but women still stare.

Yeah, I get it. Every guy’s gotta deal with it to some degree.

Don’t get me wrong, Quincy. I mean, you’re blessed and you’re cursed. Most guys would kill to have a schwantz like yours. Jeremy gets pissed when he hears you complain.

But Jeremy has a great body and he’s cute.

Still, he’s flat-crotched and it bothers him. You know how many times he’s heard “It’s not you, it’s me”?

It sucks that that’s what matters most to women. I’d like to be considered for my mind and Jeremy, my God, he’s so sweet and kind. Women don’t care about that, though. It’s all about being eye candy, about having the right equipment between the sheets. If I was a woman, I’d be all over Jeremy. I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather cuddle with than Jeremy. Don’t think I haven’t thought about it, either. I’m like most guys, I’ve experimented a bit. But if I had to choose just one guy to be with, it would be Jeremy.

Really? Well, he is sweet.

Well, who would you go for if you had to choose?

Um, I’d rather not say.

Me? Are you serious? Please don’t tell me it’s because of my cock?

Well…

Oh my God! It’s bad enough dealing with women and now you?!

Hey, I swing both ways, you knew that. And, yeah, a sizable cock means something to me. It’s not the only thing, though.

Well, what else is it about me?

Your self-righteous indignation.

Fuck you!

Ha hahaha! See?

*harrumph* Well, I’d probably do you if you really wanted it. Why can’t women be that way? They’re so freakishly homophobic.

Except when it comes to watching two guys making out. They love that.

I know, right? I don’t get it.

Hey, here comes Sheila. Be cool.

Hi, Sheila.

Hi, Quincy. Mmmm, you’re looking as delicious as ever.

Um, hello, Francis is here, too.

Hi, Francis. Anyway, Quincy, are you going to Jill’s party Friday?

I don’t know. Maybe.

Come on, you have to come! It won’t be the same if you’re not there.

Sheila?

*Silence*

Sheila!

Huh? Yeah, sorry, what?

Oh my God. Can you, for just a minute look me in the eye when you’re talking with me? Is that too much to ask?

Sorry, I just … *silence*

You’re doing it again! Enough! My lord, I’m wearing baggy pants!

I know, that’s what’s so amazing about it. It cannot be hidden no matter what you do.

Fuck off, Sheila. Do I have to turn my back so we can have a real conversation?

I’m not sure that would help matters. You’ve got a damn fine ass, baby.

Fuck you, Sheila. Francis, let’s go.

Hey, don’t be mad. It’s not my fault you’re hot! Come to Jill’s party Friday night. Wendy and Hannah will be there, too. They really want to see you!

Yeah, yeah, I’m sure they do. *sigh* See what I mean Francis?

I think I’m going to the party.

What?

Jill’s hot. So is Wendy. Just because you can get anyone you want doesn’t mean we all can. In fact, it would be better if you don’t go.

Oh, really?

Yes! Every time I go to a party with you I get lost in the shuffle. All the women flock around you, ogle you, flirt with you. Meanwhile, I don’t get as much as a look in my direction. Without you there … well, the girls might actually notice that I have a dick!

Oh, so you want to use your junk to attract women?

Hey, it’s not like I’ve got the prettiest face or shapely biceps. I got a nice ass and a good-sized dick. If I had your cock then it would be easy, but I don’t.

You think it’s easy being me, having a huge dong?! Do you know how many times I’ve thought of having penis reduction surgery?

Shut the fuck up! No way! If you do that, I swear … that’s just selfish.

Why?

Because you’ve been given a gift and you don’t even appreciate it. Guys would kill for that thing and women, hell, you know women would. How many times have we seen drunk women beating the shit out of each other over you? Seriously, you cause more catfights than anyone I’ve ever met.

You make it sound like that’s a good thing. It’s not. You don’t understand at all. I never have any privacy.

You’re also never alone or lonely. You can connect with anyone at the drop of a hat. Even the straightest guy gets turned on a little by you. Seriously, you’re the perfect package. Everyone loves you or loves to hate you … and even the ones who love to hate you love you. And, yet, you complain.

*Sigh* I’m tired of this conversation. Let’s go to Victor’s Secret and look at some lacey underwear.