Take Me Out to the Ballgame

Play ball!

Peanuts here, get your peanuts!

Beer here, ice cold frosty beverages to satiate your thirst for a good old fashioned buzz before the seventh inning stretch!

Popsicles here, get your cherry and lime-green flavored popsicles so they drip all over your lap and make it too sticky for your kids to sit there!

Snow cones, get your snow cones so you can get a brain freeze just before your favorite player knocks one out of the park!

Ice cream here, strawberry ice cream so when you puke later it looks really disgusting and causes everyone around you to gag!

Hot dogs here, get your hot dogs made out of rat feces, nitrates, and animal fat!

Brats here, get your brats so you can feel like you're from Wisconsin!

Nachos here, get your nachos because everybody you know and a few people you don't are gonna steal them from you before you even get one in your mouth!

Burritos here, get your burritos, scalding hot on the outside and completely frozen in the middle.

Coors Light here, get your Coors Light made from mountain spring water that's been pissed in by grizzly bears!

Bud Light here, get your Bud Light right here so you'll have to piss right before each inning starts!

Soda pop here, get your soda pop right here, I got Coca-Cola, 7-Up, Mountain Dew, Pepsi, Orange Crush, all of which will give you a five minute sugar rush and then make you wish you were at home watching the game on TV instead of getting nauseous and dehydrated in the bleachers of right field!

Take me out to the ball game, buy me some peanuts and a rock of crack, I don't think I'll ever come back, cause it's rootatoot-toot for your chubby, if it doesn't get to play you'll complain, cause it's one, two, three strikes your balls are out and they ... look ... strange!

That pitch looked like it was just a bit outside, but umpire Dean Pisniewski, affectionately known as Pizz or Pizzy, gave pitcher Hank Fist the benefit of the doubt. Greg Dachubby doesn't look at all happy about the call. He's out of the batter's box and he's now face to face with Pizz. The catcher, Rick Urass, is trying to stay out of the fray, but Pizz keeps circling to keep Urass around Dachubby.

You know, Harry, I'm not sure why Pizz doesn't just throw Dachubby out of the game. Dacubb's already taken two swings at him.

That's true, Steve, but he missed widely on both attempts, although he did graze Urass's mask. Urass looks like he's getting tired of this and, wow, just sat down.

Boy, Harry, I wasn't expecting that. Now it looks like Dachubby's tangled in Urass and Pizz is falling.

Now Urass is under Dachubby--no, wait, that's not what--Steve, am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?

Well, I don't want to make any assumptions, Harry, but it looks like Dachubby is mounting Urass. Oh, dear, Dachubby is pounding Urass without mercy. Fist is coming from the mound toward your Urass and I'm sure he wants to get Dachubby. Now Pizz is running back toward Urass ... oh, what a mess.

Oh my! Steve, there's blood all over the place and Pizz is in the middle of it. He's trying to stop the Fist from hammering Dachubby and Dachubby from pounding Urass. He's got no chance of stopping Urass from getting bloodied.

Oh, the Fist tried to get on Dachubby but instead hit the ump and now Pizz is bloody. Dachubby just got off of Urass and he landed several nasty-looking blows all over Fist. Harry, Pizz is all over the place.

You're right, Steve, he's trying to stop the hemorrhaging from Urass, get his hands on Dachubby, and get Fist back to the mound.

The benches are clearing, but now it's the managers squaring off against one another, Mike Hardon and Joe Mahole. I'm not a betting man, but if this remains a one on one affair, I think Hardon will stuff Mahole.

Oh geez, Steve, Fist pulled Dachubby off Urass but he shoved him right into Mahole. Now both Dachubby and Hardon are pounding Mahole. Fist is trying to pull Hardon from Mahole but it's just not happening.

Harry, Urass looks wobbly and, shit! Urass just sat on Fist. Geez, just when you think it can't get any worse. Someone has to get Mahole out of trouble! Mahole can't take much more!

You know, Steve, it looks like Fist is coming out from under Urass and is now beating Dachubby. That'll certainly help Mahole. Hardon is still drubbing Mahole, though.

Yes, and Mahole is still throbbing from the double team.

Mahole looks better than Urass, that's for sure, Steve.

That's true, Harry.

It looks like things are calming down a bit. The other umpires are on the scene and cooler heads from both benches have settled the raging testosterone. That's certainly good news for Urass and Mahole.

You can say that again, Harry.

Well, hopefully we can still play ball tonight, but I'd say it's time for a beer and a commercial break?

Sounds good, Harry.