White Jesus, Black Jesus, Slavic Jesus, and Latina Jesus were playing Heaven or Hell, a game that was particularly popular in the camp. There were seven billion today cards, give-or-take, used in the game. A particular game often involved only a particular country, region, or city, anything to reduce the size of the deck to a manageable level. Each card had a profile of a person living today: babies, toddlers, children, adolescents, adults, elderly, men and women geographically dispersed all over Earth.
The way the game was played varied depending on what the Jesus’s made up as the game progressed. Some rounds had rules, others did not; in some rounds specific tasks had to be completed by players and in other rounds variations of “Stump the Moron” were played. Each round involved one or more cards, with one card being the primary card and the other or others secondary. Specifics from the profile of the primary person could be factored into how the round was played.
In this particular game, the four Jesus’s decided to break up into teams. They decided to have a “men versus women” competition with White Jesus and Black Jesus teaming up against Latina Jesus and Slavic Jesus. They were playing with a today deck made up of persons from Wichita, Kansas, in the United States. It was White Jesus’s turn to draw a card.
“Justin Baker, 24 years old, white, comes from a middle-class family. He works as a mechanic, is married to his high school sweetheart, Nora, and has a four-year-old daughter. He was raised as a Methodist but now belongs to a nondenominational Christian Megachurch. He drinks daily, usually just a few beers each night during the week, and binge-drinks on the weekend with his co-workers and former high school buddies. He and his wife argue almost nightly and he mostly neglects his daughter who is primarily raised by his wife and his wife’s mother. He loves watching football and NASCAR, regularly loses money in a weekly poker game, and plays in a softball league in the summer. He cheats on his tax returns as he’s often paid in cash and he hates homosexuals, blacks, immigrants, feminists, and … shit, too many others to bother naming. He’s a huge Glenn Beck fan and is registered as a Republican even though he has never voted. He occasionally gets into bar fights and has been arrested for drunk driving twice.”
White Jesus looked up at the other three players and said, “There’s more, but you get the picture. Okay, Justin will believe he’s going to hell if he doesn’t quit drinking if Slavic Jesus can build a stable five foot structure before Black Jesus can. If Black Jesus wins then Justin will believe he’s going to heaven if he spends more time with his daughter. In the case of a tie, Justin will become an atheist and we’ll just see what happens. Okay, are you ready?” Black Jesus and Slavic Jesus nod their heads. “Go!”
Latina Jesus and White Jesus kicked back in lawn chairs watching Black Jesus and Slavic Jesus scramble to find sticks, using flashlights as it was still dark. Black Jesus was busy gathering as many sticks as possible while Slavic Jesus gathered just a few and began building a base for her structure. White Jesus asked Latina Jesus, “What do you think of the strategy Slavic Jesus is using?”
Latina Jesus reached in the cooler and grabbed two bottles of beer. She cracked open the lids and handed one to White Jesus. “She knows what she’s doing. She’s going to build the base and that will determine what type of sticks to grab once she’s done.”
White Jesus interjected, “If there are any sticks left. Black Jesus has a huge bundle in his arms already.”
“Yeah, but will they work together? How long will it take him to find out he needs particular sticks to build his structure?”
“I guess we’ll see.” White Jesus and Latina Jesus clinked the necks of the beer bottles.
As the round was progressing it appeared Slavic Jesus’s strategy was working. She had found more sticks and her first level, about three feet, was made up of very thick sticks, essentially small branches broken up into usable sizes. Black Jesus, meanwhile, was having trouble finding sticks of a size that could hold up as a base. Black Jesus gritted his teeth and got up to find more suitable sticks. He wished, for a moment, that he could use Slavic Jesus’s unused pile as there were several sticks there that would help. That was against the rules of this particular game, though; neither player could interfere with the other player’s structures or cache of sticks.
Slavic Jesus was returning with a bundle of smaller sticks and Black Jesus was just about to concede when Shiny Happy Jesus ran over to the game. “Hey, looks like you’re playing Heaven or Hell. Cool. I don’t like intruding like this, but there’s a situation developing. Antagonistic Jesus hid Grumpy Jesus’s journal somewhere in the desert and Grumpy Jesus is threatening to leave camp and go out on his own to join Hermunculous in the Dark Flower Fields.
Latina Jesus shook her head and slammed down her beer. “Damnit! I’m gonna swing my foot up Antagonistic Jesus’s ass.”
White Jesus said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. We should at least finish the round, don’t you think?”
Latina Jesus said, “Slavic Jesus is going to win. It’s obvious. Black Jesus should just concede.”
Black Jesus, who had been ready to concede, had no interest in getting involved in a spat between Antagonistic Jesus and Grumpy Jesus. “I’m not conceding. I can still win this thing. Let Grumpy make his own choices. Hell, he always threatens to leave. You’re overreacting Shiny. I know it’s hard for you to imagine, but some people just don’t like each other and are never going to get along unless they change their identities and attitudes. Both of those guys are stubborn as hell. What could we possibly do to help? This isn’t a problem that’s going to resolve itself in a day.”
Shiny frowned. He rarely did, only when the way things were threatened his utopian view of Jesus Camp. This wasn’t heaven, Black Jesus liked to say; it’s just a way station located somewhere yesterday.
Latina Jesus said, “Well, I’m going. Antagonistic Jesus needs to stop fucking with everyone.”
White Jesus said, “He’s getting under your skin and he’s not even here!”
Slavic Jesus said, “I’m going with her. If our team leaves the round is over. We’ll play again tomorrow. Besides, it might be fun to see what’s going on between those two … and to see who else is congregating.”
Latina Jesus whipped her around to look at Slavic Jesus. “Oh, girl, I know what you’re thinking! He isn’t going to be there.”
Slavic Jesus blushed. “How do you know? He might be.”
Black Jesus threw up his hands. “Well, I guess the round’s over. White Jesus, it was your turn so what’s the verdict?”
“Well, the round was never finished and despite Slavic Jesus’s current lead there is no way of knowing whether she would have won. Therefore, I say it’s a tie. Justin is sleeping now but when he wakes up he'll have an epiphany and stop believing in God. He’ll be an atheist.”
The other three players sighed. Each of them uttered a statement equivalent to, “Fair enough.” They hugged and then Slavic Jesus and Latina Jesus followed Shiny, going back and forth on whether Slavic’s crush would be there.
White Jesus turned to Black Jesus and said, “What now?”
Black Jesus thought for a few moments and then his eyes lit up. “Harold’s with Arab Jesus right now. We’ve gotta introduce him to Heaven or Hell!”
White Jesus thought about it. “Do you think he’s ready for it? It’ll blow his mind.”
“I know! That’s the point!” Black Jesus let out a roaring laugh.
White Jesus said, “Okay. Harold’s been at Arab Jesus’s tent for hours. Let’s give her a break and have some fun.”
Black Jesus grabbed a beer from the cooler and they walked to Arab Jesus’s tent.
No comments:
Post a Comment