ridiculous, just ridiculous

The Parthenon was built as a ruin by visionary women who predicted tourists would prefer decay.

The mathematics of the future will use blood as a constant.

I saw a newborn in a stroller who was weeping. The woman pushing the stroller was ignoring the baby while talking with another woman. They were both wearing yoga pants. I picked up the infant and set it on the ground to liberate it. It just sat there and wailed. Ingrate.

I delight in popularity. I used to be a high school cheerleader, but now I'm a comedian telling realistic stories about serial killers. For my next attack, I will create a cheer for Ted Bundy and call it art.

My political ambition is to spur associations. I will create the Pebble Movement which I define as a project to sustain the existence of pebbles as pebbles without giving them a mythology distorting their reality. By creating an affirmative movement a counter-movement will arise to oppose it. In this way, I will create a pebble mythology that will grow over time. Radio talk show hosts will likely identify pebbles as potential terrorists leading the Pentagon to persuade Obama to invade every country with pebbles in order to eradicate the worldwide threat. Thus, I will create a new global war. You're welcome.

If everyone would agree with me about everything I believe then the world would be as I believe it should be. But people trust powerful sociopaths and narcissists instead of me. Clearly, I haven't caused enough suffering for anyone to trust me. 

I want a future in which everyone beautiful must remain homeless until they become ugly. Then they can squat in abandoned buildings and kill rats for sustenance. 

I gave birth to Andy Warhol through my anus. He was my first white turd and thus became a famous artist by presenting mundane works and celebrating himself as a genius for fooling people into believing he was a genius. 

I shit Bill Gates and tried to flush him down the toilet but he used malware to clog my pipes. I plunged the toilet and finally flushed him. He survived in a sewer for twenty years and learned how to multiply crap into billions of dollars. My bad.

I'm hoping that my new line of belly button fruit piercings will become a hot fashion trend, Right now I have a twenty-five pound watermelon dangling on a foot-long chain pierced to my navel. Fucking hurts, but that's what makes it hip.

My new restaurant is called Tasty Testicles. It's like a doughnut shop. I serve different sized fried testicles with the centers removed so they look like little donuts. There are glazed and ... glazed. Pretty much just glazed testicles. 

I get bored thinking about things. "Things" are generalized nothings without any attributes at all. Why would I be interested in thinking about them?

 I am going to tell you the truth about me, about how I really feel. I'm not going to lie or misrepresent myself  as something I am not. What I'm going to convey to you is true. This is the real McCoy. No bullshit. Not going to fuck with your head. I mean it this time. There's nothing dishonest or deceitful about what I'm going to share with you. This is not a manipulation. This is the truth:

My heart is filled with love. I use silliness and disturbing stories to embrace you because no one wants to be told that they are loved by a man who isn't wearing an orange robe meeting with heads of state. I am not the Dalai Lama. I have no love credentials; I wasn't chosen by an entire culture to represent the embodiment of loving-kindness. When I walk up to a stranger and tell him I love him I am punched in the face or stomach. When I walk up to a woman I don't know and tell her I have love in my heart for her I am doused with pepper spray. Direct expressions of love are not wanted. I was saddened by this for a long time, but I began observing how others embraced one another. I began to mimic the words and behaviors of others. I'd declare to guys I didn't know at country western bars that I hated Muslims and they'd high-five me, pat me on the back, and say, "You're alright in my book, man. A fucking patriot, that's what you are." When I'd see a woman sitting alone at a coffee shop I'd walk up to her, smile, and ask if anyone was using the empty seat to her left. She'd smile and say no in a very pleasant voice. I'd look into her eyes in a non-threatening way and say, "Do you mind if I use it so that I can sit at that empty table over there?" She'd continue smiling in a vacuous manner and exclaim with no enthusiasm, "Of course." Our interaction would come to an end and I'd know we'd just made a sincere and heartening love connection. I realized, ultimately, that I had simply misunderstood how others love. I thought sharing affection and kindness were acts of love, but I was wrong. Everything but kindness and affection is considered love. Now I know.

I believe an acorn would make a better U.S. Supreme Court Justice than Clarence Thomas.

I think Barack Obama would make an excellent assistant manager at a Verizon Wireless retail store.

If a woman grimaces while removing your underwear to give you a blowjob just assume she has acid reflux.

Do you think it would help the re-election chances of a Southern white Senator if he walked to the floor of the U.S. Senate in blackface singing "Swanee" and tap dancing?

I, as genius, differ from all of you in that you are not me. It is always I who brushes my teeth in the morning, not you. If you were to brush my teeth in the morning, though, you might become above average. If you were to clean my ass after I shit I would say you are toadie who washes the ass of a genius.

The only difference between me and a schizophrenic is that I'm schizophrenic.

A naked woman drenched in sweat should never be covered except by clouds.

Beauty goes well with Pinot noir. As I sip and swirl I taste hints of high cheek bones, symmetrical eyes, and full breasts.

Killing is a sure way to end life.

A life without work is a life worth living.

Creativity is better than sex ... no, wait, creativity is sex ... no, wait, sex is creativity! Fuck it, they're both great.

I used to be the lead singer of Radiohead back when they were called Victrolahead.

My foot's asleep. Why is it that my nose never sleeps like that? Weird.

Many countries use animals as symbols. In the United States, it's the eagle. I think countries should start using body parts as symbols instead. I'd like to nominate the perineum as the national body part of the United States. Canada and Mexico could fight to see who gets the anus and who gets the vagina--assuming they'd go with a woman's body parts. It'd be a tough call to say which symbol either of those countries would want. Would you want your country to be known as an asshole or a pussy? All I know is that the U.S. fits in between them.