Before Steve Jobs passed away, he downloaded his brain onto a device he designed and created. He called the device the iAm in recognition of his reputation as the Messiah of Technology. The iAm is not and will never be for sale because it is and ever will be the acting CEO of Apple. Tim Cook currently holds the human position of CEO, but he consults with the iAm before making any decisions for the company. The iAm has so far developed a dozen new ideas and prototypes for the next generation of Apple products. These future products are now in development, but until now nothing was known about them. The iAm declared, however, that these products should become known as a means to transform culture in preparation for their eventual release. The following products are being developed.
iStink: The iStink device is an earbud that operates in such a way as to let users audibly know whether they have bad breath or body odor. The iStink even alerts users when they haven’t sufficiently wiped their asses.
iNeed: The iNeed is a device implanted in the spine. It lets users know when they need food or water, when they have to urinate or take a shit, whether they need warmer clothing or an air-conditioned environment, and so on. As individuals lose touch with their senses as they remain online 24/7, the iNeed will help users continue living well past their expiration dates.
iWish: The iWish look like contact lenses and are worn, well, like contact lenses. They have to be replaced every two weeks or else blindness may occur. It is a good idea to use the iNeed when using the iWish for this reason. The device focuses user attention on dreams, always reminding them that who they are and what they currently possess is not enough for lasting fulfillment. The iWish lets users know which Apple products will best satiate their needs until a new Apple product becomes available by constantly flashing subliminal images. Seizures are a likely side effect, but the next product works in tandem to treat medical emergencies.
iMed: The iMed looks like a small iPod, but it is not made of hard plastic. It is gelatinous and attaches to the perineum of men and women. When a medical emergency of any type is detected by the sensors of the iMed, chemicals and biological processes are created or put into motion to address medical conditions and emergencies. The sensors communicate with the nervous system and all bodily organs through a wireless system. In situations in which users choose to partake in unhealthy activities, the iMed delivers a painful electronic shock to the perineum.
iDoubt: The iDoubt is an existential aid injected into the brain through the nasal cavity. It is for users who obsess about the meaning of life. Whenever doubts arise about one’s self-worth or whether there is a point to life, the iDoubt triggers the release of endorphins and overrides negative thoughts. New thoughts are implanted that help users believe that self-worth is attained through the purchase of Apple products and the purpose of existence is to buy as many Apple products as possible.
iSky: Fingernail press-ons allow users to fly beyond the earth’s atmosphere. Use of iSky without an iBreathe is likely to result in death.
iBreathe: A mouthpiece that allows users to breath even in environments absent oxygen, whether underwater, in collapsed mines, smoky fires, or outerspace.
iWarm: A rectal implant that maintains body temperature at 98.6 degrees F. Useful when using iSky and iBreathe to fly past the earth's atmosphere or when climbing Mount Everest.
iBorg: The iBorg is a headset device that allows users to connect their thoughts with other iBorg users. The development of a collective Apple consciousness results from two or more users linked into the iBorg network. The collective of all iBorg users is ruled by the iAm.
iThink: In future generations, thought will become obsolete as technological devices make decisions for humans who have become too lazy and ignorant to figure out anything for themselves. Focused primarily on meeting needs for instant gratification, the human race will devolve in such a way that spider monkeys and orangutans will surpass humans in thought complexity. The iThink will assume responsibilities for the thought of users. An Apple representative will attach the iThink, a centimeter wide dot, between but slightly above the eyebrows of customers. The iThink will meld with each users’s DNA and become the operating system for the human brain and nervous systems. The electromagnetic charge of users will provide energy so that the iThink will never need to be detached and plugged into a socket or battery to recharge it. The device will work in such a way that an idiot--as future humans will refer to themselves--will know whether or not he or she wants to stop at Starbucks for coffee. The answer will always be no to such questions as the iThink decides that idiots should save money for other Apple products.
iMind: The iMind is a headset that allows users to experience one second of Steve Jobs’ life. A subscription is required to experience one second per month. It is always the same second of Steve’s life, a moment while he was urinating in a private bathroom at Apple headquarters. As even one second of Steve Jobs’ life will overwhelm even the most intelligent and creative person on earth, the iMind increases the capacity for user experience exponentially in relation to the relative stupidity of the user as a means to prevent the death or insanity of the user. The iAm predicts that the iMind device and the extraordinarily expensive subscription necessary to experience a moment of Steve’s life will become the greatest seller in Apple history. It is estimated that a single moment of Steve’s life is more addictive than heroin, tobacco, meth, and alcohol combined. Early testing shows that the experience produces a more profoundly euphoric and mind-bending experience than a cocktail of cocaine, ecstasy, methamphetamines, and LSD.
iDie: This device is an urn that holds the ashes of deceased users. The iDie is connected via wifi to the iAm. The iDie reincarnates the consciousness of the user so that the user's awareness may live forever within the multiverse of the iAm.
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