The Woods

I ain’t coming out of the woods.

Why not?

Because she’s still here.

She ain’t here.

Where is she?

She ain’t here.

I can smell her perfume.

Yeah, she spilled her perfume.

I lied, I don’t smell any perfume.

Fuck you. Yeah, she’s still here.

Then I ain’t coming out of the woods.

Why?

Just because. That’s enough of a reason. Get her out of here and I’ll come out. Until that happens, no way.

Gunther sighed. His dark blue sport coat was too warm for this spring day. Flowers were blooming, the trees were bright green, the air was warm but the breeze was cool. A pullover or maybe a hoodie, he thought. Yes, something lighter. All he had underneath his coat was a ratty old t-shirt. It said “Eat me!” on the back.

Look, I don’t want to be out here anymore than you do—

That’s not true. I actually enjoy the woods. They’re dark, mysterious places with weird unseen animals making strange sounds. I'm always wondering when a snake will slither down my neck or a spider will bite my chin. I think you dislike the woods for the same reasons I like them.

You’re crazy. Just come out of the woods so I don’t have to hurt you.

You can’t hurt me. You can’t even find me.

I can hear you, though. You aren’t even a hundred feet away from me.

But I’m uphill from you and it’s a steep climb on the trail. And, of course, I veered off the trail. Good luck finding me, Gunther.

Fuck you. Gunther sat down on a boulder. This guy knows the woods, he’ll just keep climbing up and over the hill, down the valley, into the city, and disappear. It’s her fucking fault, anyway. Maybe the guy’s right. Maybe she should leave.

Okay, man. I think you’re right about Sheila. She’s going to leave now.

What?! Sheila came out of the car. Her red hair was waving like fire behind her. Her eyes were blazing blue. Who knew blue could be so passionate? What the fuck are you talking about? She unzipped her lime green coat, took it off, and threw it to the ground. She crossed her arms against her chest and stood her ground, wearing a long grey skirt and a floppy maroon sweater. I’m not going anywhere.

Gunther slapped his hand to his forehead. Mocking laughter echoed from high above in the wooded ravine. Sheila frowned. Why don’t you want to come down, Michael?

Because you’re here.

Why are you being so mean to me?

You tried to kill me!

That’s in the past. I don’t want to hurt you at all, baby. I love you. I want to marry you.

No fucking way. This is insane. Gunther, come on. This is insane.

Yes, it’s insane. But you must come down and marry Sheila.

Fuck you, man!

No, fuck you. I will fucking kill you if you don't marry Sheila!

No, you will not kill him! No, Michael, I will respect your opinion no matter what. Just come down and talk to me about it face to face.

No!

Goddamnit! I am going to fucking kill this guy!

Shut up. Gunther!

Yeah, shut up, Gunther. I want Gunther to leave. And tell him to take all of your other goons with him.

Why?

Because then I’ll talk to you face-to-face and tell you why I won’t marry you.

Tell me here, now. Even if from the woods.

Now?

Yes … now.

I don’t love you.

How do you know?

Because I don’t even know you. We just met yesterday at Bruce’s party. We were both drunk. You’re hot. Really, I thought you were smoking hot. And you are. But I just met you. I don’t know you.

If you did know me then you’d love me. In fact, you would love me so much that you would beg me to marry you.

Hearty laughter was followed by guffaws, hoots, hollers, heehaws, and moose snickers. Sheila, you’re fucking deranged.

You’re in love with me, Michael. You’re in denial about being in love with me. I’m in love with you. I’m embracing my love for you. It isn’t just hot sex that I want. No, I want to go shopping with you, to hold your hand while I fart, and for you to live more than a thousand lives without ever once experiencing joy except for your moments with me. Marry me and at least have those memories to last you through countless lifetimes of misery.

Wow, that is one hell of a proposal. I think I’ll just hop right down out of these woods now and marry you because you are so fucking romantic, what with the threats, the insane blather, and the prediction of the bleakest of possible futures for me whether I marry you or not. Yeah, I’ll be right down.

Oh, goody. Sheila believed him. She had never been able to detect sarcasm. It had led to her being ridiculed mercilessly by other school children. She didn’t understand that lies could be told in such ways, even after an uncle took her aside when she was fifteen years old and tried explaining to her, in great detail, exactly what was going on. Her aunt came into the kitchen and sat down to add more to what her uncle said. Two of her older cousins, both young women, burst inside, just back for Thanksgiving from college. Lilia bumped into Cecilia and said, “Oops. So-rry!” Cecilia looked up and smirked. Sheila looked on believing that Lilia had offered a sincere apology.

Sheila waited. And waited. And waited. Sheila sighed. Michael, you said you'd be right down and it's been almost ten minutes.

Um, I was joking, Sheila. You know, sarcasm.

Sheila considered the word. Does sarcasm mean you're not coming down?

Oh dear Lord.

Gunther, will you go get him for me?

I'm not going up into those woods. He'll just run all day and night and we'll both get lost.

Sheila sat down and pouted. A few tears rolled down her eyes.

Sheila?

Yes?

Are you crying?

Yes, Michael. You're making me sad.

I don't want you to be sad. I just don't want to marry you right now. Maybe I will some day, but I'd like to get to know you better before we exchange wedding vows.

How long until we get married?

I don't know. Maybe a year or so.

A year?! That's, like, forever! Sheila began sobbing.

Don't cry, Sheila. I'm sorry. Gunther, will you comfort her for me.

No! Get your ass down here and do it yourself.

Do you promise to leave if I do?

Gunther paused to consider this proposal. No, but I'll send everyone else away right now if you promise to come down.

All the goons?

Yes, all the goons. They don't like being called goons, by the way.

Sorry. What should I call them?

Well, they're going to go away if you promise to come down so you don't have to call them anything.

Okay, I promise I'll come down as soon as all the ... other guys get in their cars and drive away.

Good.

Oh, one more thing, Gunther.

What?

Give your guns and knives to one of the guys. I want them gone when I come out of the woods.

Well ... okay. You promise to come down?

I promise.

The goons got in their cars and one took Gunther's guns and knives with him. As they pulled away Michael began walking out of the woods.

Sheila leapt in the air and then ran to Michael. I love you, Michael. Please marry me!

Michael sighed and looked at Gunther. Gunther shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "What are you gonna do?" Okay, Sheila, I will marry you tomorrow, but only if Gunther watches me eat your pussy tonight.

Sheila squealed and jumped in the air. She turned to Gunther and looked at him expectantly.

Michael, why do you want me to watch?

I don't know. I just do.

I'm not really comfortable with this arrangement.

Damnit, Gunther, you will watch Michael eat my pussy tonight or else!

Or else what?

Or else you'll marry me instead.

Oh! In that case, sure, I'll watch Michael eat your pussy.

Thank you, Gunther.

Yeah, thanks, Gunther. I've always wanted an audience for my pussy-eating skills. I'm exceptionally good. Some have called me an artist. Believe me, this will be a treat for you.

If you say so.

I do.

Michael?

Yes, Sheila.

I'm having my period.

Oh. Well, in that case I'll marry you tomorrow if Gunther eats your pussy tonight. I'll watch.

No fucking way!

Gunther, are you going to deny me a life of married bliss with Michael? I'll tell my father you raped me if you don't do it.

Gunther looked up to the heavens and sighed loudly. He thought to himself, "How did I get into this mess?" Okay. I'll eat your bloody pussy tonight while Michael watches. Michael, you promise to marry Sheila tomorrow?

If you eat her pussy while I watch then yes, I promise.

With that settled, Gunther set up the tents while Michael and Sheila made out on the grass.