Politeness

Politeness seems too often to be interpreted as kindness. But politeness is not an attitude or act that is motivated to create connection or to result in the betterment of both giver and receiver. Politeness is an attitude that desires the same to remain the same and manifests in action in such a way that attempts to maintain sameness. Neither party engaging in politeness changes through the interaction except in the sense that disconnection from others in any substantive way becomes more entrenched as a way to engage with others. Politeness treats both self and others as objects that remain at distance and, in a way, obliterates the possibility of the development of personhood and social meaning. Politeness, as an attitude, is a shrinking of self into a tiny box in which little that could be recognized as human can exist. It pushes what could be conscious deeper into the subconscious and, if held as an unthinking demeanor could result in the atrophying of personality and most certainly of robust thought and creativity.

Built into politeness is an inherent fear of self as a being and other as a being. Politeness reduces self and other into caricatures of beings, two-dimensional cartoons meant to pass as something akin to well-developed and virtuous beings. An act of politeness may be felt as a low-frequency wave of goodness and the performance of an act of politeness may be experienced as an expansion of self. But this expansion is minuscule and short-lived as there is nothing substantive to sustain it as neither self nor other is significantly changed through the interaction. The belief that one has changed through the process is likely a distortion if not a delusion. This belief or interpretation is likely to put another brick in the wall separating the compartmentalized self from being and from other beings.

Politeness as an act has the deceptive characteristic of appearing to have positively interacted with another being. But a polite smile is a defense mechanism rather than an open and welcoming invitation to deepen connections between one being and another. It is defensive in the sense that it is an attempt to avoid confrontation and conflict. It has the effect of also preventing connections that come through openness, vulnerability, and humility. It is in these ways that politeness is an attitude and practice to maintain the same as the same. Change is an enemy, possibility is an enemy, uncertainty and unknowns are enemies. Spontaneity and creativity are impossibilities. Politeness practiced over time is a shrinking of thought, emotion, sense, perception, and action. The range of thought possible constantly shrinks, the breadth and intensity of emotions dwindle, the acuteness of sensation dulls, the depth of perception shortens, and actions become limited to a small variety of routines. Even though politeness aspires to maintain the same as the same the result, over time, is that the same shrinks into less than it had been previously. Thus, politeness does not maintain the same but shrinks the same into something less than what it was. This shrinkage is imperceptible to the polite but is experienced as a less and less fulfilling life. If this dwindling fulfillment is even noticed it comes from sources that the polite does not know or understand and the polite are not inclined to explore for there is, for them, a mysterious lurking anxiety that the same may change leaving them vulnerable to experiences that are unfamiliar and, because unfamiliar, terrifying.

The attitude and practice of politeness is the drying of a sponge that was once saturated with an abundance of water. Once the water has completely evaporated the ever-shrinking sponge begins to dry and harden, no longer malleable or capable of changing shape or form, no longer able to share water beyond itself let alone within itself. The sponge cracks and crumbles as it dries and the slightest touch has the potential to further its decay. The sponge is now truly vulnerable to being obliterated by interactions that a sponge saturated with water is not. An uber-politeness may develop from this condition, a terrified and terrifying politeness, a way of interacting that exceeds cartoonishness and descends into absurdity and madness, borders on becoming feverish and hostile, a politeness that demands an excruciatingly narrow interaction lest a mere change in the tone of voice or facial expression may cause internal hysteria, panic.

Politeness, then, is a precursor to thinking, emotional, and physical breakdown. The overall health of one’s being is at risk from excessive and prolonged politeness. Politeness is a symptom of much more serious problems within the development of selfhood and social adjustment. Healthy relationships are absolutely impossible as the self is too atrophied to be able to give or receive in life-giving ways. Because politeness is viewed as a socially acceptable behavior there is no conscious attempt to address such unhealthy attitudes and behaviors, there are no institutional means to treat one who is polite and help him or her develop skills and abilities that might allow connections with others that have meaning, lead to the fulfillment of needs and wants, and allow possibilities for self-development and, ultimately, autonomy (agency).