butt of all jokes

There is a man who is the butt of all jokes. He lives in Pennsylvania, as a singular being, and goes by the name of Harvey Kuputnik. He is 46 years old and works as a bank manager. He has been married to his wife, Katherine, for twelve years. They have two children, Gabe (7) and Katrina (4). The colonial where they live has five bedrooms, three on the second floor, one on the first, and one in the finished basement. An immigrant housekeeper comes three days a week to clean.

There is more to Harvey’s life, much more, but he has a separate life as well, one he does not experience as “his life.” He is unaware that this life exists and that this separate life is his eternal life. This man, Harvey Kuputnik, is merely a vessel for the eternal being of the butt of all jokes. This eternal form has taken up residence in a singular human being for as long as there have been human beings.

The first human being, if there was a first, consisted of all possible beings a man or woman could be. This being, by being the first child, was all following children, the form of which all children became. To take any other form but that of a child precludes one from being a child. If one is the form of an adult then all adults exist as particular manifestations of the first adult.

If ever there followed a joke that arose from a descendant of the first being then the butt of that joke necessarily originates from the first being … even if the first butt of that joke took the form of a great grandchild of the first being. What came into being within a relationship between human beings born indirectly from the first human being was the eventual manifestation of the possibility that existed within the first human being. If the name of the first butt of a joke was “Carol Curmudgeonly” we might identify her more specifically as “Carol Curmudgeonly, butt of the first joke developed over time from its origins within but not manifested by the first human being, Hooshy Dooshy, the great grandmother of Carol.”

Over time the essence of the butt of all jokes passed from one generation to the next by way of reincarnation, the death of one host for the butt of all jokes making way for the birth of a new host for the butt of all jokes. A few famous butts of all jokes include Adolf Hitler, Immanuel Kant, Saint Augustine, and the Buddha. Only the Buddha ever became aware of his eternal identity, although it’s possible some or even all butts of all jokes who lived and died anonymously were aware of their respective natures.

There are human beings who host numerous eternal essences. A woman living in South Carolina hosts the hearts of all prostitutes, the way of all wise men, and the grunt of shitting while believing she is merely a widow, retired dance instructor, cancer survivor, mother of two, and grandmother of seven. She does not believe that she is the heart of all prostitutes any more than she believes she once had sex with Kirk Douglas. But she is the heart of all prostitutes and she has had sex with Kirk Douglas (she was incredibly drunk and has no memory of even meeting him the night she ripped off his shirt and bit into his chest hair).

Mary Magdalene, surprisingly, never hosted the heart of all prostitutes. Nancy Reagan, however, did. There appears to be no rhyme or reason to why one host is chosen to embody the eternal this or the infinite that. It just happens.

It brings to mind a story a guy once told me, a story about how he sold paintings he’d created but that the personalized receipts he gave to customers were his art. Say a man bought a painting for $600.00. Well, the artist would take the cash and then hump the man’s leg. Another person might buy a painting for $3000.00 on another day and the receipt would be given in the form of a ten minute foot rub.

The guy kept ledgers of his receipts. If a customer came in to say that she was dissatisfied with the painting, that she wanted her money back, the artist would ask her for her receipt. If the woman said, “You didn’t give me a receipt, jackhole, you picked your nose and wiped your snot on my blouse!” then the artist would check his ledger. He might ask the woman, “Approximately when did you buy the painting? If you know the month and year that would be sufficient.” But he might as well not, as he mentioned he had sold few paintings over the years.

Nevertheless, when he found such a mark in his ledger, he invariably told the customer that in lieu of cash for the return of the painting he would provide a new receipt in the form of a blown kiss, a loud shriek, or perhaps a desperate plea for marriage. This new receipt was also recorded in a ledger, a separate ledger titled “Receipts of Returned Paintings.” The returned painting went back up for sale, the cash stayed in the register, and the new receipt was recorded. The customer, if dissatisfied with the new receipt, was told that “All receipts for returned paintings are final. I’m sorry but it’s always been the policy. The policy must be followed so that human error does not get in the way of the enactment of fairness in transactions involving the exchange of paintings for cash. The policy is known as the Economic Justice Policy. It’s a policy that has been capitalized and has been assigned a status of importance by the painter of the paintings as it is a policy that has proven to be effective in occupying the position of policy since its inception as policy. It has never wavered nor failed in that it has been a policy ever since it was first made a policy. By being first it holds the prestigious position of precedent. As a precedent, the policy is infallible and cannot be challenged because it is the a priori understanding of what the policy is! The significance of that cannot be challenged by sources independent of the policyholder without the consent of the policyholder. Again, I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is.”

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