Thursday, January 7, 2016

Guidance Counselor


I was thinking what it would be like if I was a high school guidance counselor and your teenage child came to me for advice about the future. I think it would go something like this:

Hi, I'm Michael, I'm your high school guidance counselor. Have a seat ... okay, so I looked at your transcripts and you're doing well in your classes. I also noticed that you have a lot of extra-curricular activities. Do you know what you want to do with your life?

... Yes, I--

Okay, I'm going to stop you right there. Are you fucking shitting me? Are you seriously going to sit there, you sixteen year old piece of snot, and tell me you know what you want to do with your life? You don't know shit. Have you ever blown a guy for money? Can you look someone in the eye for a minute and make them want to cry? Have you ever masturbated in public without shame? No, no, and no. So, please, stop telling me you know what you want to do with your life because until you experience things that completely fuck with your head from out of the blue and make you want to hit the reset button on your life, you don't know shit about fuck. Am I making you uncomfortable? Good, because that's what life is going to be like when you get out of school. You will be shit on, you will have shit shoved down your throat, and you will wallow in your own shit. Do you want to know how to avoid that crap?

... [nodding head while sobbing]

Good, I'm going to fucking tell you. You make other people as uncomfortable as possible, you brow-beat them, you publicly humiliate them, you take advantage of their weaknesses, and you reduce them to quivering snot-dribblers. After that, you put your arm around them, you help them up, and you let them know that if they work their asses off for you for fucking peanuts that you won't let them drown in their own vomit. If they get out of line, dunk their head under water repeatedly until they submit to your will. You don't have to know anything about anything; you just have to be willing to hurt other people until they do what you want them to do. Now get the fuck out of my office, you piece of shit. Oh, and Happy Fucking New Year.

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