The Inside of the Moon!

[Man (GIL) walks into kitchen. Sitting at the kitchen table is a woman (ANN)]

GIL My fucking computer locked up again. [looks in refrigerator]

ANN [look of contempt on her face]

GIL [still looking in refrigerator] I said the computer locked up again!

ANN [contempt] I heard you the first time.

GIL [closes refrigerator door and looks at Ann] What’s your problem?

ANN [holds up used condom] This is my fucking problem!

GIL [look of disgust]

ANN I found it in the recycling bin.

GIL Yeah? So you decided to pick it up?

ANN I want to know what the fuck it was doing in the recycling bin, asshole?!

GIL Being recycled, of course!

[cutaway to man in suit standing in midst of used condoms waist-high]

MAN Being recycled, of course. Hello, I’m Sam Meadows, president of Forskack Recycling and Haircare products. At Forskack, we take great pride in our environmentally-friendly hair care products made from recycled condoms. Our skilled technicians [cut to shot of scientists in laboratory] recycle the latex to create containers for shampoo and other hair care products. [cut back to Sam] Our experts have also devised ways to incorporate sperm into shampoos, conditioners, hairsprays, and many other products. You see, sperm has more protein than either plant extracts or synthetic chemicals, and it’s this protein that differentiates our products from our competitors’ and makes your hair shinier and healthier. When you buy Forskack products, you not only help the environment, you help yourself! [big smile]

[cutaway to angry, picket-waving protestors in front of Forskack building. Lots of screaming]

WOMAN WITH PLACARD They’re sickies! Sickies!

[pan back to reveal reporter (JACK) standing with microphone in foreground]

JACK As you can see, Bob, a mob of angry protestors have gathered to voice their disgust and outrage in front of the Forskack building. Interestingly, all of the protestors are lesbians. [cut to television station anchorman (BOB)]

BOB Really? What seems to be the reason for this anti-Forskack protest? [cut to JACK]

JACK [hesitates] Uh, I’m not really sure. I can however tell you that I’ve been getting laid a lot more since I started using Forskack products. [cut to BOB]

BOB Really? [raised eyebrows and contemplative look in eyes] Uh, so. . . I’m sorry, how often do you get laid? [cut to JACK]

JACK Oh, believe me, I’m getting’ it on whenever I want, which is basically all the time. In fact, one of the protestors is actually bisexual and we got to talkin’ and after this report we’re plannin’ on— [cut to BOB]

BOB Ho, wait a minute! How often did you get laid before? [cut to JACK]

JACK Hell, I hardly even think about those days. I know it was never like this, though. There’s just somethin’ ‘bout that musky, salty smell of cum that seems to really drive—Huh, oh. Okay. Uh, Bob, I have an update. One of the protestors just handed me a leaflet. Apparently, they think that Forskack is discriminating against lesbians. It seems that the protestors would like an alternative line of hair care products using menstrual blood as the primary ingredient. There are some statistics in the leaflet claiming that menstrual blood is in fact even higher in protein than sperm. Bob? [cut to BOB]

BOB [hand on chin, nodding head slightly] Thanks, Jack. Jack Hinsley. [turns to camera] Breaking news. I’ve just been told that there has been another nursing home shooting in Hillsborough County. Details are sketchy at the moment. This is tragic, shocking news, following so closely on the heels of Knoxville nursing home shooting spree. And—uh, apparently we’re going to go live to the scene now. Our own Guy Kilstensen is on the scene. Guy? [cut to GUY]

GUY Yes, Bob. We’re on the scene at Shady Meadows Nursing Home in Littlesburg. Details are sketchy, but apparently one of the residents, an elderly male, opened fire on staff and other residents with a semi-automatic handgun. What set this off, we don’t know. Police are trying to establish a perimeter and deal with the situation, but it’s too early to tell if anyone is hurt. I’m going to try to get inside and see what’s going on. [cut to BOB]

BOB Are you sure that’s a good idea, Guy? [cut to GUY]

GUY Oh, yeah. My grandmother used to be a resident. I know the layout pretty well. I think I can sneak in through the maintenance door. [Guy and camera man begin making way into building]

BOB Um, Guy?—[cut to GUY inside building]

GUY [harsh whisper] We’re inside Bob. Oh, did you hear that? I think it was a gunshot.

BOB (V.O.) Guy, I don’t think—

GUY [loudly] Oh, shit! [old man with gun waddles around corner at end of hallway in background] Wait, I don’t think he sees us. Apparently there are two people—oh jeez! There are two people cowering under a gurney near the crazed old man. [old man stops walking, turns toward GUY]

OLD MAN [pleading look in his eyes] Will you touch my Johnson? Please touch my Johnson. My Johnson’s so lonely. [starts walking toward GUY]

GUY Oh shit! [drops mic and starts running past cameraman and offscreen. Cameraman shrieks as gun is pointed at him and fired. He screams and camera crashes to ground, still in focus, aimed at two guys cowering under gurney. Old Man keeps walking toward camera till off screen muttering over and over: “He shoulda touched my Johnson.” Cut to different angle on two guys under gurney (HENRY and JOSH). HENRY is dressed in suit, JOSH in orderly uniform]

HENRY Oh, Jesus. Let’s get the fuck out of here.

JOSH There’s no way outta here except the way that crazy old fool was walking. There’s only a window that drops three stories down to the parking lot, man.

HENRY That’s alright, I’ve got a plan. [gets up and starts making way toward window at end of hallway]

JOSH What the fu—

HENRY Come on—What’s your name?

JOSH Josh.

HENRY I’m Henry. Let’s go, alright?

JOSH There’s no fuckin’ way out man.

HENRY Ha! Just follow me. [walks to window and opens it. Pushes screen out. Leans out window] Oh, butterfly? Butterfly? Where’s my giant butterfly?!

JOSH [look of terror, as if realizing that this guy, too, might just pull out a gun and start blastin’ away]

HENRY There you are! [giant cartoon butterfly flutters near window. Henry turns to Josh] Come on, Josh, let’s go!

JOSH Uh uh. [sound of old man shuffling and mumbling, grows louder, louder]

HENRY Josh, don’t be a fool!

JOSH [looks down hallway, offscreen. Eyes grow wide, scrambles to feet and runs for window.

[cut to scene with Henry and Josh flying on back of giant cartoon butterfly against cartoon backdrop of blue sky and fluffy clouds. Henry sings a song as JOSH smiles and looks all around. Song culminates with HENRY suggesting that they flutter to the moon. Cut to JOSH and HENRY on the moon]

HENRY Well, here we are!

JOSH How is this possible? We can’t fly to the moon on the back of a butterfly?!

HENRY We just did, didn’t we?

JOSH What the fuck’s going on?! I mean, how can we breathe? There’s no oxygen!

HENRY HA! No oxygen? On the moon? HA! Where’d you get that idea?

JOSH Uh, science, textbooks, Neil Armstrong.

HENRY Oh, for the love of—propaganda. All a bunch of propaganda meant to keep us OFF the moon. Big government cover-up.

JOSH Why would the government want to keep us from coming to the moon? Why the hell would anyone want to come to the moon?!

HENRY Because it’s paradise, of course.

JOSH [looks around at bleak landscape] This is paradise?

HENRY Not the outside of the moon, dumb shit. The inside of the moon! Come on!

[cut to big sign proclaiming “Inside of Moon” with arrow pointing down to trap door. HENRY and JOSH walk up to sign, HENRY opens door and both climb down. Cut to JOSH and HENRY walking around inside of moon: wondrous Willy Wonka-like landscape]

JOSH Wow, this is incredible!

HENRY I know. It’s the inside of the moon.

JOSH [spots something off screen] What are those?

HENRY Those? [cut to big boulders that look like huge golden hairy human asses sticking out of ground] Those are gold-bearing hairy asses!

JOSH Gold-bearing hairy asses?!

HENRY Yeah.

JOSH Why are they called gold-bearing hairy asses?

HENRY Because they’re hairy asses that have gold bars in ‘em.

JOSH What the fuck?!

HENRY Go ahead. Reach in and grab one.

JOSH Fuck you! You grab one.

HENRY I’ve already got plenty of gold bars.

JOSH I ain’t stickin’ my fuckin’ hand in some-hairy-assed sphincter!

HENRY You are such a pussy.

JOSH Fuck off, man!

HENRY No, you fuck off. I saved your ass.

JOSH Bullshit!

HENRY Please. You were fucking cowering underneath the gurney, afraid to fly on my butterfly. A big fucking pussy!

JOSH You call me a pussy again and I’ll break your fuckin’ head open.

HENRY Fine. I guess you enjoy living in poverty. Take you five seconds to grab a gold bar, but what the fuck? You like eatin’ raman noodles night after night?

JOSH Okay, okay. But if I don’t get a gold bar . . . [sticks hand in one of the asses and pulls out a gold bar] Holy shit!! A fucking gold bar! [rubs bar against cheek affectionately]

HENRY [look of disgust] Um, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.

JOSH Oh! So I can just take this back to Earth?

HENRY Oh yeah, sure. Well, except ...

JOSH What? Except what?

HENRY Uh, well, um . . . I guess you should, you should probably—

JOSH What?!

HENRY Uh, you’ll probably have to, uh, check with the, uh, Emperor, I guess, first.

JOSH Emperor?

HENRY Yeah. The Emperor of the Inside of the Moon.

JOSH The Emperor of the Inside of the Moon?

HENRY Yeah. The Emperor rules the inside of the moon. So, you’ll probably have to check with him first.

JOSH [looks dejected]

HENRY Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll let you take the gold bar. He’s a really, really, really nice guy. Come on.

[cut to giant throne with tiny man sitting on it, attempting to throw playing cards into a top hat about ten feet away. He constantly misses and every time he misses he yells “fuck” “shit” “piss and farts” “lord of the apes” “Quayle” “pedophilia” etc. HENRY and JOSH eventually walk into screen]

HENRY Hello, Emperor of the Inside of the Moon.

EMPEROR Huh? Oh, hello Henry. [looks at JOSH] Who’s this ugly son of a bitch?

JOSH [a little hurt] Hey!

HENRY Oh, this is Josh. Josh, this is the Emperor of the Inside of the Moon.

JOSH [warily] Hello.

EMPEROR [nods and then starts tossing cards again—“fucking whore” “son of a cock-loving toe-sucker”]

HENRY Ah, Emperor? Emperor?

EMPEROR Huh? Oh, yeah, right. What can I do for you?

HENRY Well Josh was just—

JOSH Can I take this gold bar back to Earth?

EMPEROR Sure. No problem. What do I care?

JOSH Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I really appreciate this. This is just—

EMPEROR Of course, you’ll have to commit suicide first.

JOSH Excuse me?

EMPEROR You’re gonna have to kill yourself.

JOSH That’s insane.

EMPEROR Bullshit. It’s completely sane. It’s the only way.

JOSH Why? Why do I have to kill myself?

EMPEROR Because I’m the Emperor of the Inside of the Moon.

JOSH That’s stupid.

EMPEROR It is not. It’s actually quite brilliant.

JOSH I’m not gonna fuckin’ kill myself.

EMPEROR Well, then you’re not gonna take the gold bar.

JOSH This is fucking ridiculous!

EMPEROR This is the inside of the moon. This is entirely sensible and logical. You’re really making a big deal out of nothing.

HENRY The Emperor’s right, Josh.

JOSH If I kill myself, then I won’t be able to—I mean what would be the point of . . . it just doesn’t make any sense!

EMPEROR You’ll be fine. You won’t actually die. When you commit suicide here, you don’t actually die. You just end up back on earth.

JOSH [confused]

HENRY I’ve done it hundreds of times.

JOSH Really?

HENRY Oh yeah. It’s no sweat.

JOSH Well, I suppose. I mean I flew on a giant butterfly earlier today, what the hell.

[everybody starts chuckling]

EMPEROR Oh, this is grand. Okay, let’s see. I know I’ve got some rope around here somewhere [starts rummaging under throne]. Damn I can’t find—Ah—no, never mind. Say you guys don’t happen to have a gun or a knife or somethin’ do ya?

[JOSH and HENRY look at one another and shrug, shaking their heads]

HENRY ‘Fraid not.

EMPEROR Damn! I coulda sworn I had—Wait a minute [bumps his head on throne] Ow! Dear Mother of a Busty Horn-Blower!! Jeez! [rubs his head] Oh yeah, um—

JOSH Did you find somethin’?

EMPEROR No. But . . . [steps down from throne] you could just jump into the mouth of the meat-eating flower.

HENRY That’s a great idea. Oh, that’s—you are such a great Emperor.

EMPEROR Thank you. Do you really think so?

HENRY Oh, you’re the best. The best, no doubt abo—

JOSH What’s a man-eating flower?

EMPEROR Meat-eating flower. The flower eats all sorts of meats: rabbits, elephants, habbafabalapps, you name it.

HENRY Let’s get goin’ huh?

[HENRY and EMPEROR walk off screen. JOSH stands for a moment perplexed and slowly starts to follow, looking as if he doesn’t much like the idea. Cut to the three of them approaching a giant cartoonish flower surrounded by bones and flies.]

JOSH Uh, you know, this doesn’t seem like such a goo—

HENRY Isn’t that the most beautiful fucking flower you’ve ever seen?

EMPEROR I just love that shade of purple. Exquisite really.

JOSH Hey, look, man, I just don’t think I really wanna—

EMPEROR Ah, man-eating flower? [flower begins rustling] Yes, hello, I was wondering if you would care for an early dinner tonight? [tremendous rustling]

JOSH You know what? I’m gonna head back to the surface and flag down that—

HENRY Yeah, this guy over here. The one with the gold bar. [again, more rustling and slobbering]

JOSH No, really [starts backing away slowly, but in a split second flower snaps like a frog’s tongue and gobbles up JOSH]

EMPEROR Man, that guy was fuckin’ ugly.

HENRY What a maroon!

EMPEROR Yeah, you’ll get back to earth alright, Josh, you friggin’ moron. [Emperor and Henry walk off laughing heartily as the Emperor reaches into his robe and pulls out a pint of Thunderbird to take a swig. Fade out].

[Fade in. closeup of Josh’s face, eyes closed, cheek against concrete. Pan back to reveal Josh lying unconscious on concrete in front of large security gate. Slowly comes to and sits up. Lying next to him is gold bar. An amazed but jubilant look spreads over his face as he grabs the bar and leaps to his feet yelling “YES!! YES!!” Suddenly sirens start going off and lights start flashing. Josh, confused, looks around for a moment before what appear to be security guards descend upon him and wrestle him to the ground despite wails of protest from Josh. Fade out.]

[Fade in. Josh, looking haggard and roughed up, is sitting at a bare table in an interrogation room. Two very official looking gentleman (one black, one white) in FBI-type suits hover nearby.

BLACK FBI Okay, let’s go over this one more time. How did you get inside Fort Knox?

JOSH I told you what I know. First I didn’t think you’d believe me, but then I just decided to come clean. Maybe somebody framed me and drugged me I don’t know, but I was working at the Littlesburg nursing home when some crazy old fucker started blowing people away and then I flew on a butterfly to the moon and went inside where I found a gold-bearing hairy ass and then I was eaten by a man-eating flower.

WHITE FBI Last time you said it was a ‘meat-eating flower.’

JOSH Whatever! Who gives a fuck?! The fucking thing ate me and then I woke up in Fort Knox. Look I know it sounds crazy but either that actually happened or I’m fucking going crazy!! I’m just a fucking orderly at a nursing home, man!

BLACK FBI [looks at white FBI, closes his eyes and shakes his head] We’re gonna have to bring in the ‘glove.’

WHITE FBI [face turns dour as he silently mouths ‘Oh shit’]

JOSH [perplexed and frightened] W-What the fuck’s the glove? What the FUCK is the glove?!

[black FBI walks to door, opens it and calls for the glove, then closes the door. For a moment the three remain silent, somber. Door slowly starts to open. JOSH looks horrified. Then a beautiful woman with blonde hair (pulled back into a bun), horn-rimmed glasses, and a white overcoat walks in. She proceeds to stretch a latex glove over her right hand and walks toward Josh (off-screen). A few moments pass, then Josh lets out a violent wail. The two FBI-type guys wince and look away.]

[cut to scene of high-ranking government intelligence official (BURT) sitting behind large antique oak desk in ornate office, leafing through paperwork. Intercom buzzes and woman’s voice announces to Burt that Admiral Josephat has arrived. Burt tells woman on intercom to send the Admiral in. Admiral walks in.]

BURT Admiral, please [motions to chair in front of desk]

ADMIRAL [sits on chair] Sir, we have a security situation. Earlier today a young man was apprehended after having burgled a bar of gold at Fort Knox.

BURT What? Fascinating. [appears to be contemplating this feat]

ADMIRAL Ah, sir?

BURT Go on.

ADMIRAL The FBI is in the process of interrogating the perpetrator, but as of yet they have no idea how he penetrated the security system.

BURT Hmm?

ADMIRAL Apparently the perp insists that he flew to the moon on a giant butterfly and then acquired a gold bar from a—[begins looking at notes, but Burt interrupts violently].

BURT WHAT?! Did you say the man was on the moon?!

ADMIRAL Ah, yes [rather surprised]

BURT On the surface of the moon?

ADMIRAL [checks notes] Uh, no. The inside of the moon. But sir, is this—

BURT Dear mother of Okobhoji!!!

ADMIRAL [perplexed] Sir?

BURT [wide-eyed concern] Josephat, Don’t you see? The man was on the INSIDE OF THE MOON!

ADMIRAL [still baffled] I’m not sure I—

BURT You honestly don’t know? How the fuck did you get this far in intelligence? The inside of the moon is an absolute paradise. If word gets out about this—

ADMIRAL Sir, I don’t mean to interrupt, but the moon is, it’s just not—what I mean is ...

BURT Propaganda, you moron. Propaganda! Of course you think everything beyond our atmosphere is uninhabitable. That’s the whole reason for the propaganda. We can’t have everybody leaving earth for paradise inside of the moon. Hell, what do you think the wars of this century have been fought over?

ADMIRAL Uh [amazed and baffled] I really don’t—

BURT Of course you don’t. They were all cover ups. You think Hitler would have gotten into power on his own? Please! Whenever someone gets close to discovering the true nature of our universe we have to create diversions. Look at the Civil Rights movement, the Tuskegee experiments—

ADMIRAL The Tuskegee experiments? Black males infected with syphilis?

BURT That’s what we leaked to the press. The Tuskegee experiments were actually conducted to test competing theories of evolution, a debate that had been raging since the early 1800s. Hell, do you really think the Civil War was about slavery and tariffs?!

ADMIRAL [flabbergasted] Well, what was it then?

BURT It was about evolution. Are you dense, man? Competing theories of evolution. In the North it was goat fucking, in the south it was horse-cock sucking. Old Abe tried to outlaw the sucking of horse cocks, and frankly, the South just wanted nothing more to do with the United States.

ADMIRAL [incredulous] Sir, I really think that—

BURT Hold on. [looks in file near desk] Here it is. These are the original transcripts from a Confederate General taken before a battle in the South. [Begins reciting transcripts about Southern general’s battle plans]

ADMIRAL [glazed look comes over his face, dream-sequence wavy lines wash away Admiral’s face and bring into focus a Civil War general addressing some troops].

CW GENERAL Look men, I know we’ve taken a lot of casualties. But think of your families. Do you want your wife, your mother, your daughter to have to fuck a goat? NO! Not as long as we’ve got guns and ammo! I come from a long line of horse-cock suckers and the hell if I’m gonna abandon my heritage and the evolution of my family lines. I understand you’re down, men. I, too, long for the days when I can go home to the plantation and wrap my lips around a massive horse cock and suck until my face turns blue. But there’s a band of goatfuckers just over the ridge that would like nothing better than to deny our heritage and the evolution of our race. They’d love to laugh at you while you fuck a goat. We are not animals men, we’re not some primitive race that revels in the abnormal and disgusting practices of goat fucking. We’re horse-cock suckers and we’re proud of it! I’ll be damned if I let a bunch of goat-fucking perverts tell me that I can’t suck my horse’s cock when and where I want! Now grab your rifles and lets get those FUCKERS! [men rise up screaming and charge past general]

DIRECTOR [from offscreen] CUT! Okay that was great. Let’s take five and go again from the top. [pan back to reveal large film set]. Okay, Silas [actor playing CW General] I want to go over a few wrinkles in the script with you for a moment.

SILAS Not right now. I need to talk to Sam.

DIRECTOR Sam’s in NY. Look we’ve got a schedule.

SILAS Read my fucking contract asshole! I don’t take orders from you. [barges past director and off the set through a door into a parking lot, advances across parking lot to some stairs leading to another door. Walks in to sleek reception area, postmodern design, up to what appears to be receptionist and asks if Sam has returned from NY. Receptionist punches keyboard and waits a moment.]

RECEPTIONIST No, I’m afraid not Mr. Farciful.

SILAS Fine. I’ll talk to Ron. [walks past receptionist]

RECEPTIONIST Mr. Farciful! Mr. Hogwash is in a meeting!

SILAS [continues walking and opens door at end of office. Lights are dim, large oval table with about twelve suits sitting peering at large screen on wall. Another suit is talking about the images on the screen. Silas closes door, watches meeting. Zoom in past Silas to speaker.]

SPEAKER Our research has shown that the violent tendencies of both teenage and elderly males is caused not by the media, as previously assumed, but by sexual frustration. Our study of elderly male nursing home patients has revealed startling results, results which bode well for decreasing violent behavior in elderly males and increasing revenues of Forskack hair care products. If you’ll turn your attention to the screen now. In this excerpt you see an elderly male approaching an elderly female in a typical nursing home recreation hall. This particular male has been using a typical shampoo using ingredients from plant extracts. As you can see he reacts aggressively when confronted by the female’s rejection of his advances, attempting to lift a chair to strike her, but instead hurting his back, falling to the floor and breaking his hip. If there had been a reasonably light weight firearm available however, I believe we know from experience that the result would have been quite different. Now, in this scene we see an elderly gentleman approaching a female in the same rec room. Only this gent has been using Forskack hair care products. Notice the twinkle in the female’s eye and the amiable behavior of the elderly male. And now you can see that are leaving the rec room arm-in-arm, presumably about to engage in some form of sexual union. [clicks remote and screen goes blank, lights come up, pan back to reveal suits beaming approvingly.]

[Spinning newspaper front page covers scene and reveals headline] Forskack Products Put End to Nursing Home Violence!

[another spinning headline] Crime Rate Drops 90%! Forskack "Revolution" Changing Face of America!

[another spinning headline] World Peace Not Just a Pipe Dream Anymore!

[another spinning headline] U.S. Government Subsidizes Forskack Products for Goat Industry”

[another spinning headline] Forskack, World Peace, and Goat Fucking! Who’d a thunk it!”

[Cut to scene of suburban neighborhood, lawns filled with men and women fucking goats with wool shampooed into lather].