Online Dating

So, the Internet. I’ve heard of it. I’ve used it. I went online for the first time in 1995. On a Mac. Or a Power Mac. Can’t remember. I think I had 16 MB of RAM. I was on Netscape, Yahoo! had just been launched but I mostly used Alta Vista for my searches. Maybe that’s why I discovered what I did instead of what everyone else seemed to be discovering at the time. Plus, I always went to the third or fourth page of searches. I wanted to see what the more obscure shit was. Back then, you sometimes did get just three or four pages of links instead of the hundreds of thousands or millions you can get now if you type in something like “Iraq.”

I remember following a random link, going to some Web site, some random guy’s personal home page he’d created for himself, and seeing blazing fire graphics in the background and going “Whoa!” It only took like ten minutes for the entire 4 MB of data on his Web page to download, too! Incredibly fast connection on my 56k dial-up modem! I think I was aware even then, though, that I’d probably be looking back on this later and laughing about it, thinking, “This is the equivalent of a Ford Model T and a decade from now I’ll probably be driving the equivalent of a Ferrari.” Another decade from now and we’ll be licking computer chips that taste like strawberry ice cream to virtually transport our thoughts to one another. A decade after that and the entirety of the earth could be transformed into a planet-sized brain, each of us no longer human beings but neurons and groups of us neuron clusters. I, myself, will merely be a memory of all my moments as a human being, a lifetime the Earth Brain might lackadaisically recall while daydreaming shortly after mind-fucking Jupiter.

At some point, though, I realized I was no longer needed by the online world. It was not I, my vigilant appreciation of amateur art, nor even my surprise at what some women were willing to do with certain vegetables that kept the WWW going. Somehow, it grew up and out without much input from me. However, it's never too late to add to the growth of the Web. I’ve never tried online dating. I’ve looked at dating sites, even signed up for one once, but I never pursued anything. I've never hooked up with anyone through a computer. I’ve always done it the old fashioned way: Swaggering about town wearing a special cologne made of Spanish fly, blood from the balls of a castrated bull, and one ingredient that shall remain unknown, my secret ingredient, one that has been passed down to me from the Heavens, the gods smiling on me for no damn good reason, ignoring the plights of so many other unfortunate souls absent a ravenous libido and a cock that doodle-doos all night long.

But I need to try dating online or text dating just because it’s something I've never done. I don’t have a bucket list because that seems like too much of a commitment; I’m not ready for such a serious long-term relationship. One thing at a time and then whatever comes next. The following is the pitch I’m going to put online later this week. Here goes:

I am looking for a woman.

I think.

No, really, I’m almost completely sure I’m looking for a woman.

But you know, now that I think about it, I’m not 100 percent sure.

Don’t get me wrong, I am attracted to women. It’s just that a recent change in my life has led me to question … everything. Yet again. This is like the fiftieth time I’ve had to do this so far in life. That seems excessive to me. It seems like I should have more stability than this.

Unless it’s because I’m always growing intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. But that last part, is that true? Maybe, maybe more than common sense has led me to believe. But this is not a science lesson, I am not going to expound on my theories of human nature! Not on a computer dating site, you fool!

My God, do you really think I’m that kind of guy, the kind of guy who would bore you with triflings from his registered genius IQ, exhaust you with tales of his adventures from around the world, or make you yawn excessively by taking you to parties populated by wealthy, beautiful artists who have been preparing for years to pleasure the next woman who chooses to take me out to dinner and buy me drinks, to fill the trust fund of the next lover who makes me forget I've ever had sex, and to fulfill every desire of the one whose look brings me to my knees? I would never insult your dignity or integrity with such tripe.

No, instead I offer you merely a chance to spend time with me, to be in my presence, to give me your attention, to shower me with affection, to adore me, to worship my mind, to caress my body, to give me eternal life and infinite love. If you’re up to the challenge, please, respond to my ad. If not, then fuck off!