Extremely Short-Term Relationships

Over here.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, I didn't recognize you. Your hair is much shorter in your online profile.

Do you like it?

Well, I think I mentioned that I was only interested in going out with women with shorter hair so ...

You don't like it, do you?

No, it looks great. I think I need to put more change in the parking meter, though.

...

Hi, I'm Michael.

I'm Deborah.

This is my first time "speed dating." I don't really know the protocols.

Oh, I've been to dozens of these things. You just loosen up, relax, and have fun.

Just kinda let it all hang out, I guess, huh?

What do you mean?

Well, we've only got five minutes so I guess I should drop the big bombs right away.

Um, sure, if that's--I'm not sure I know what you mean.

Well, first of all, I think you're very attractive.

Thank you. That's sweet.

But I don't have a good feeling about this.

Why not?

How can I share anything substantial in a few minutes?

Substantial?

Yeah, like who I am, how I think, what I feel, anything.

I don't know. Just try to have fun.

Okay. If you could travel anywhere in the world with me tonight, no questions asked, no concerns about money, where would you like to go?

Oh, that's fun. Um, let's see ... Barstow!

Next!

...

Oh, this place is great!

Yeah, this is my coffee shop.

Yours?

It's where I go to drink espresso and write everyday.

I didn't realize you were a writer.

I'm not a writer. I write.

Same difference.

No, not at all. I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work. Shit, now I'll have to find a new coffee shop.

...

So, how much money do you make?

[cough] Excuse me?

You know, your income. Do you make six figures?

Um, I need to check the parking meter.

...

Do you find it difficult to find someone who is a good fit for you?

Oh, all the time. The last guy I saw was incredibly narcissistic. I listened to him drone on and on all night. For some stupid reason I went out with him for six months.

Six months? Why?

He was young, good looking, and a doctor! I had to give it a real shot.

Oh. Yeah, I can understand why you'd have trouble finding a good fit. Excuse me, I'm going to the restroom.

You're going the wrong way.

Yeah, that's okay.

...

We've been out for what, two hours now?

Something like that, yeah.

I can't tell you the last time a first date has lasted this long.

What do you mean?

Well, most of the women I've tried dating recently have been ... unappealing. Not just marginally, but significantly. I was beginning to wonder if there were any women of substance in the world. But you, I mean, you're intelligent, funny, insightful, relaxed, and at ease with yourself. It's refreshing.

Thank you.  You've had bad luck dating lately?

No luck at all.

I'm sorry to hear that.

That's okay. I wouldn't have met you if that hadn't been the case.

Um, yeah, well. You know, I should check the parking meter just in case. I'll be right back.

...

So, you're from Argentina, the country that welcomed the Nazis after World War II.

I ... I'm going to leave now.

...

You're so funny!

Excuse me.

What you just said was hilarious!

I said that this is a good chardonnay.

I know! Hysterical!

I, um, I may regret asking this but ... how is that funny?

Because you said that's a good chardonnay and it clearly isn't! You didn't really think it was good, did you?

You know, you're an incredibly beautiful woman and ... I think forgot to pay the parking meter.

There's no parking meter here.

Yeah, I'm going to check, anyway. 

...

You go to this club a lot?

Yeah.

Is it typical for the band to urinate on the crowd?

Nah. Usually bands cut themselves and bleed on the audience or throw shit on everyone. Tonight's kind of lame.

I see. I'm going to get another drink, do you want anything?

No, I'm cool. I just huffed some glue.

*sigh*

...

I don't know why I bothered tonight.

What do you mean?

I mean every date I've had in the last two months has been horrible. If things don't work out tonight I'm just going to give up, resign myself to being alone, and remain celibate.

Check!

...

Oh, excuse me! I'm sorry I didn't see you there. I should have looked where I was going.

Yeah, that would have been nice, douchebag.

[laughter] Sorry, that was funny. I haven't been called a douchebag for years.

That's hard to believe given the way you walk around like the world owes you.

Well, fuck you, too.

Douchebag.

Is that all you got? Douchebag?

Oh, no, I could rip into your woman-hating ass all night long, but I need to leave Powell's and go to a party with real men.

That's much better. I hope you run into many more douchebags tonight. Sincerely.

You're a fucking asshole.

You're a man-hating cunt.

Did you just call me a cunt?

Yeah, it took a little bit but you rose to the occasion. You should be proud. Not very many women scale the mountain of cunthood as quickly as you did. Impressive.

Were you raised by a mother who hated you? If she didn't, she should have.

You are so viciously horrifying, your heart is like a lump of dirty coal retrieved by emaciated miners with lung cancer, and I'm completely crazy about you.

You are completely devoid of any redeeming qualities and you ceaselessly project your self-loathing onto me. You want to go to the party?

I'm sure it will be a fuck-twat anarchic slacker gathering of unwashed suicidal depressives, so, yeah.

It sucks that you want to go because we'll probably fuck later.

I'm not looking forward to what is likely to be the most grotesque sexual experience of my life, but I'm so covered with the stink of your repulsion that it's impossible to say no.

This could be the beginning of a long and emotionally-draining dysfunctional relationship.

Since you're obviously incapable of love you're probably right.

Then let's go, you fucking douchebag.