The Boring Serial Killer

Did you kill all those people?

Yeah.

Oh. Did you like it?

Yeah.

What was it like?

Taking a shit.

How so?

Just something I did.

Will you kill again?

Yeah.

Why?

Because.

Oh. Well, you're honest about it.

Yeah.

That's something, I guess.

Yeah.

Do you wanna get a beer?

No.

What do you wanna do?

Cut your head off.

Oh. Do you wanna do anything that doesn't involve killing me or anyone else?

Maybe take a shit.

Okay. Do you have any hobbies?

Killing people.

Besides that?

Taking shits.

Anything else?

No.

I see. There's not much going on in your life is there?

I don't know.

Do you mean you can't fathom doing other things besides taking shits and killing people?

I don't know?

What did you do as a child?

I killed bugs and animals. I took shits.

I sense a pattern here.

Whatever.

You're not much of a conversationalist are you?

I don't know.

Language isn't all that important to you is it?

I don't know.

Have you ever had sex?

Yeah.

With anyone alive?

No.

Did you go to school?

I don't remember.

Did you ever have any friends?

I don't know.

Do you know what friendship is?

No.

Have you ever been happy?

I don't know?

Are you depressed or angry?

I don't know.

What do you know?

I kill people. I take shits.

Do you eat?

Yeah.

Do you eat anything that isn't human?

Sometimes.

What sorts of foods have you eaten that aren't human?

I don't know. Apples. Eggs.

Hey, that's something.

[no response]

What was your relationship like with your parents?

I don't know.

Did you live with your mother and father while growing up.

Yeah.

What were they like?

I don't remember.

Did you kill them?

Yeah.

How old were you when you killed them?

I don't know.

Did you have brothers or sisters?

No.

Pets?

A dog.

What kind of dog was it?

A dead dog.

You killed it?

Yeah.

Do you remember what color it was?

No.

How many people have you killed?

I don't know.

More than one hundred?

I don't remember.

More than ten?

Yeah.

What do you like about killing people?

Doing it.

Yes, but is there something specific about killing you like?

I don't know.

Do you like stabbing people?

Yeah.

Do you like strangling people?

Yeah.

Do you like shooting people?

Yeah.

Do you like torturing people?

Yeah.

Have you ever pulled anyone's fingernails off?

Yeah.

Have you ever gouged out anyone's eyes?

Yeah.

Have you raped anyone before you killed them?

No.

You only have sex with dead bodies?

Yeah.

Why?

I don't know.

Have you ever cut out someone's tongue?

Yeah.

While they were alive?

Yeah.

After they were dead?

Yeah.

Have you ever pushed someone off a building?

Yeah.

Have you ever castrated anyone?

Yeah.

Is there some way that you haven't killed a person that you would like to try?

I don't know.

Do you think of how you're going to kill people before you kill them?

Sometimes.

Can you give me example?

I'm going to stab her.

So it wasn't a complex thought process?

I don't know.

Have you ever thought about your own mortality, about dying?

No.

Do you think you'll live forever?

I don't know.

Are you aware that you will die some day?

[no response]

What would you do if someone tried to kill you?

Kill them.

What would you do if someone stabbed you and you knew you would bleed to death?

Kill them.

What if you couldn't kill them?

Take a shit.

What if you couldn't kill them or take a shit?

I don't know.

I have to say, if you didn't kill people you would probably be the most boring person on the planet.

[no response]

What are you thinking about right now?

I don't know.

You don't know what you're thinking?

No.

Do you know what 'thinking' means?

[no response]

Would you describe yourself as intelligent?

[no response]

I feel like I'm talking to a walnut. Is there anything you would like to say, to share with others about what it's like to be you?

I don't know.

Do you know anything?

I like to kill people and take shits.

And eat.

Yeah.

Do you sleep?

Sometimes.

You put on clothes, right?

Yeah, sometimes.

Do you bathe or shower?

Yeah.

Brush your teeth?

Sometimes.

Wear deodorant?

Sometimes.

Have you ever received a gift from someone, from anyone?

I don't know.

Have you ever bored anyone to death?

[no response]

If you could bore someone to death, would you do it?

Yeah.

I think it might be working. I barely feel alive talking with you.

[no response]

If you killed me by boring me to death do you think that you should be held responsible?

I don't know.

Fuck, man, there's gotta be something more to you than this shit! Eat, shit, sleep, get dressed, kill. That's your life.

[no response]

Do you buy knives for stabbing people or do you steal them?

Both.

So you shop and steal, too.

Yeah.

Do you know how to drive?

Yeah.

Do you have a car or do you steal cars?

Yeah.

You have a car?

Yeah.

You also steal cars?

Yeah.

This is fucking painful, man. Are you enjoying yourself at all?

I don't know.

Do you sometimes stare at walls?

Yeah.

What's that like?

I don't know.

See, I'm trying to figure out if you would be a good fit for our organization.

[no response]

Would you like to make money for killing people?

Yeah.

Do you mind traveling?

No.

If we hired you to kill someone would you prioritize it over your personal killing interests?

I don't know.

Fuck, man, I'm trying to work with you here.

[no response]

Excuse me for a moment. I have to call my supervisor [takes out phone]

[no response]

Hey, I'm talking with him right now--more like talking to him. Look, he's not a good fit with the organization. What's that? No. No, not at all. I'll explain later. What do you want me to do? Yeah, okay. [disconnects and puts phone away] Well, this has been one of the biggest wastes of time in my life.

[no response]

I would tell you never to mention this conversation to anyone else, but I don't think that will be a problem. I'm leaving. [stands and walks away]

[no response. blank stare. blank stare. blank stare. blank stare]