Obama Response to CIA Torture Report

From an ABC news report http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/cia-torture-report-stunning-findings/story?id=27473273">: "Zubaydah spent a total of 266 hours in a 'large confinement box' that looked like a 'coffin.' He spent an additional 29 hours in an even smaller box, which was 21 inches wide, 2.5 feet deep, and 2.5 feet tall."

CIA interrogators reportedly told Zubaydah "that the only way he would leave the facility was in the coffin-shaped confinement box."

This is the torture technique that jumped out at me.

Obama's response?

"One of the things that sets us apart from other countries is that when we make mistakes, we admit them." 

May as well have said, "One thing that sets us apart from Nazi Germany is that we don't have concentration camps." Yeah, apologize for torture by saying "We're not as bad as other countries, you know? Like, we could have been even more gruesome and brutal than we were, but we weren't. And we admitted our mistakes about a decade after they were made. That's a timely response compared to waiting a hundred years, right? Heck, I've only known about this for about seven years. Besides, putting a person in a box for 266 hours to make him feel like he's being buried alive is a mistake anyone could make. It's a mistake, for crying out loud. What, you've never made mistakes? Come on, the guy was trapped in a box for eleven days. How bad could that be? It was a mistake, an accident, a slip-up, a gaffe. You trip and spill coffee all over the rug? Mistake! Put a guy in a coffin for days? Mistake! Everybody screws up now and then. Let's try to keep things in perspective, okay?

Basically what I'm saying is that if you put your grandmother into a coffin and nailed the lid shut for a long time, it's just, you know, a mistake anyone could make. Why would criminal charges be filed against you for doing something like that? Do that a couple dozen times, though, and I might start thinking, 'Gee, maybe this isn't a mistake; maybe this is being done on purpose.' But then I would take a deep breath and remind myself that, no, shit happens. I can't tell you how many times I've put Michelle in a coffin-like box. She'll be screaming bloody hell and I'll say, 'Come on, honey, how many times have you fooled me with pleas for your life? Ha ha ha!' A day later I'll think, 'Oh, crap, I trapped my wife in a coffin and threatened to bury her alive!' When I let her out she just sighs and says, 'Mistakes will be made. Oopsy daisy.'

You know, the more I think about it, being trapped in a box builds character. It's a test of will power, a way to learn how to be patient and disciplined. Panicking, believing you're going to die, feeling claustrophobic and suffocated, freaking out when bugs are put in the box with you, those are fears everybody needs to overcome in order to live a better life. Now, personally, I have never been trapped in a box. But I haven't needed to be. I know being trapped in a box isn't as bad as it's being made out to be. How? Because I imagined what it would be like and realized, 'Hey, somebody probably made a mistake putting me in here. They'll let me out when they realize their gaffe.' Would I remain upset about it afterward? No. I'd laugh it off and go out to have a beer with the guy who messed up. Long-term psychological damage? Of course not. If anything, I'd be stronger from having the experience, humbled even. Who doesn't need a lesson in humility at times?

The deeper I get into the issue, I realize that the CIA gave those Arabs a gift. By releasing the report, we're giving the world a gift. We're saying boldly, 'We make mistakes. We're not perfect. Don't hold it against us and we won't hold your mistakes against you!' Whoa, um, no, that last part, that's not exactly true. You know what that was? A mistake on my part. I made a mistake saying that. See, mistakes happen. What I meant to say to the world was 'Don't hold our mistakes against us and we will try not to make mistakes again in the future.' Try, we'll try. Who is perfect 100 percent of the time. I know I'm not. You? Nope, didn't think so. I have accidentally made my daughters stand for days on broken ankles without sleep. I feel horrible about that. Should I be prosecuted and sent to prison if convicted? No! Dear Lord, if we punished everyone for making silly mistakes like that there'd be a couple million people in prison. Oh, well, hmmm ...

The point I'm trying to make is that if you threaten to drill a hole into a guy's kneecap while you've got him tied up against a freezing wall without any clothes it should be recognized that you're not committing a crime; you're making a mistake! Did you dunk someone's head into a tub of water 120 times in a few hours, holding her down for a minute each time, while threatening to drown her every time you pulled her head out? When I was growing up we called that 'horse play.' Yes, sometimes the hijinks get a little out of hand, but kids will be kids. And what is a CIA agent if not an overgrown kid? Sure, maybe he used to be the bully who lived down the block who kicked your dog, wrecked your bike, punched you in the stomach as hard as he could several times each day for four years, and held you down to make you lick a cat's asshole once a week during the duration of your childhood. But he's just a kid and kids make mistakes. The kids that make mistakes like that grow up and they either wind up in prison for rape and murder or, well, they work for the CIA. Luck of the draw, I guess.

Bottom line, rectal feeding is probably more the result of poor eyesight than a malicious act of anal rape. My sight's not perfect, either. I can't tell you how many times I accidentally fed my daughters baby food through their assholes when they were infants. I'd say 'here comes the choo choo, whoo whoo,' and then I'd shove a baby spoon up their sphincter. Yeah, they'd scream and I'd look over sheepishly at Michelle. She'd be shaking her head and rolling her eyes with her hand out saying, 'Give me the spoon, Barack. Geesh, I can't trust you to do anything right.' Then we'd laugh and I'd give her a kiss, missing her mouth by a few feet as I somehow wound up on my knees behind her shoving my face up her butt. It's just, I mean, shit happens. Pun intended! Ha ha ha! Ah, mistakes are funny. Torture, yeah right! Ha ha ha!

The guests at the CIA resorts who accidentally got boo-boos on their knees were actually quite lucky. How many Americans have ever gotten so much attention from their own government? These guys had tons of government employees around them 24/7 for months and even years. Quite fortunate to spend quality time like that with the fine men and women of the CIA. Can we really call hallucinations, paranoia, and insomnia the results of torture? Sounds to me like they dropped LSD and were having bad trips. It's a damn good thing the CIA was there to comfort them in their time of need.

The more I talk about this the angrier I get that the CIA is being vilified.  These are good men and women. Patriots, for crissakes! They made mistakes, but, gosh darnit, there's no use crying over spilled milk. I will not be pressured into calling for the prosecution of CIA interrogators or the parties in the Bush Administration who gave the okay for these mistakes! In fact, I'm going to give out medals to these folks. I'm even going to give myself a medal for acknowledging that mistakes have been made. I had nothing to do with the mistakes being released to the public, but I am, now, after seven years of silence, acknowledging that mistakes were made. I don't know about you, but I'm patting myself on the back for being so courageous. I'm not a weak man. I stand up for what's right, for my beliefs! I believe what people are calling torture are mistakes and I believe admitting that mistakes were made is courageous and worthy of being awarded a medal.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to lock Michelle in a box.